Don't Look At Me Like That. You Were Thinking It Too

Top 10 Most Unwelcome and Show-Destroying Characters

2009-11-14T01:38:28Z

There's a cute name for when certain characters show up and totally ruin a television show with their unholy presence. It is called "jumping the shark" and it can be done many different ways, but this list focuses on those times when a show feels the need to bring a specific type of character in to 'mix things up' but really just creates something horrible and ugly that should never have been given the ability to grace our sets. Sometimes, you learn to tolerate new characters, and they elevate the show to heights you never thought possible. For example, Prentiss and Rossi on "Criminal Minds" being surprisingly superior replacements for Elle and Gideon, or Ziva replacing Kate on NCIS. But sometimes, you just wish they would die horrible on-screen deaths already. Here are some of the worst offenders:

10. Towelie

"South Park" is known for pushing the boundaries of what's appropriate; they're also known for testing the limits of their lofty reputation. Towelie, a cotton towel that smokes pot and does little else, represents both those traits personified. It's difficult to explain to people that the show can actually be pretty smart, because for every one clever, crafted episode that Matt and Trey create, they make two ridiculously stupid, immature ones. They claim Towelie was an experiment of theirs, to see how much merchandise they could market based on sheer stupidity. People have been known to obsess over every new character "South Park" introduces: Mr. Hankey, Timmy, Butters... Towelie was supposed to be ironic because everybody would go out and buy Towelie merchandise and Trey and Matt could just laugh at our dumb asses for buying whatever shit they try to sell us, but I think it failed, because not only do loyal viewers despise Towelie, even the characters point out that Towelie is "the worst character ever." Sorry, "South Park", your experiment failed, and every time you try to revisit it, it just gets sadder and sadder. Please throw Towelie away already.

9. Lilly Foster-Lambert

Somewhere around the sixth season, producers of the 90's sitcom "Step by Step" thought they needed to spice things up a bit, or maybe they thought all the kids were getting too old and weren't cute anymore. Either of those may have been true, but whatever their reasoning was, they went about it all the wrong way by casting this little cherubic nightmare as the first child to link the Foster and Lambert families together. Of course, babies only generate so much comedy, so in true sitcom fashion, Lilly Foster-Lambert was born one season and aged six years the next, despite none of the other children visibly aging along with her. I would have preferred a wailing baby to that obnoxious child, who we were also forced to endure in the late 90's Welch's Grape Juice commercials. I never wanted to punch a child in the face before I started seeing this girl everywhere. If I saw her today, I might still be inclined to punch her in the face. "Step by Step" was mediocre enough on its own, did we really need a cutesy little blonde girl running around taking up all the screen time? She filled the 'Cute Quota', but at the expense of Patrick Duffy's youngest boy, Brendan, previously the baby of the family, who disappeared into oblivion when this bitch showed up! No one ever seemed to notice either! That poor kid, he may not have had a personality apart from 'baby' but he really didn't deserve his fate, and he was much less irritating than that damn Lilly Foster-Lambert.

Sorry kid, you're just not cute anymore. It was a good run though.

8. Abby Lockhart

I debated with whether or not to put Abby on the list, because when she first showed up on "ER", I really liked her, and Maura Tierney is a good actress. But I am willing to put my feelings about the actress aside in order to acknowledge the insufferableness of Abby. Normally I don't care for it when shows introduce female characters solely to be the love interest of a male lead, but I sort of wish they'd gone that route with Abby, because I liked her much better when she was with Carter. The disastrous, ugly, too-embarrassing-to-behold breakup of Abby and Carter was the beginning of the end for me, because they basically bastardized Carter just to make Abby look more sympathetic, going against everything the character was. I guess I'm alright with it, in the end, because I would never wish Abby on Carter permanently, but it was still jarring to feel like I should be hating the sweetest, most loveable character on the show. In the end, I saw Abby for the whiny, self-involved, emotional wreck she was, and I think she's better off with Luka Kovac, who was always hit or miss for me as well. I wish that the show had ended before it ever had a chance to become The Abby Show, but alas, ratings speak volumes, and if you're going to soldier on for another decade, you might as well put your best foot forward, and Maura can act... I just wish she didn't have to be such an obnoxious character.

7. Dawn Summers

This may be an unpopular opinion... but I kind of liked Dawn. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was always known for its camp and melodrama, and Joss Whedon has come to be known for his WTF moments in television history. Buffy having a sister was one of the first we were ever exposed to, so it's probably why it comes under the most scrutiny. I didn't mind that Dawn showed up, because it led to a great season finale in the defeat of Glory and the death of Buffy, and I don't mind what she eventually became, which was a considerably stronger person, all for the better because of her sister. But everything in between was just wretched. Dawn was a hot mess, whining, crying, always getting kidnapped because she was doing stupid shit. She even had a bout with kleptomania that was just ridiculously out of place on that show. And everyone always came to her rescue, because she was Dawn. Dawn haters have actually been known to shout "SHUT UP DAWN!" at the screen whenever she appears because everything she says just fucks everything up. I learned this from the Buffy musical tour, and it finally made me realize that Dawn was just wrong on every level. Thankfully, the show was already losing steam from the departure of Angel, Cordelia, Oz, and Faith, not to mention Willow's increasingly darker ways and Xander's increasingly useless ones, so I don't feel like Dawn's entirely to blame, but it sure is nice to have a scapegoat.

6. John Doggett

This is nothing against Robert Patrick, a staple of sci-fi show guest stars, who is always lovely, terrific, and welcome anywhere. I am entirely against Doggett, the piss-poor replacement for the M.I.A. Fox Mulder, who never really filled our beloved believer's shoes. Doggett wasn't Mulder, and the show never claimed him to be. On the contrary, Doggett was intended to fill the 'skeptic' half of the duo while Scully, whose experiences over the past 7 years molded her into a less uptight person, was to take over the 'believer' role. But both lacked the charisma needed for said role, and together they were just a giant pile of boring and don't even get me started on Doggett's other partner, and Scully's eventual replacement, Reyes... What were the producers thinking? X-Files without Mulder OR Scully? Preposterous! Thank God they realized their mistake, brought Mulder back from the dead, and let the finale and the subsequent movie be about our original beloved pair of agents. Doggett was well and good, but he was a foil for Mulder, not Scully, and foils only work when they're both on screen at the same time.

5. Everyone who was ever added to "Sliders"

Look, I'm not going to try and argue that "Sliders" was a precious gem that was tarnished over the years. I may have adored it when I was 10 or 11, but looking back on it now, "Sliders" was kind of shitty right from the start, but it worked somehow. It was campy fun and the cast blended together well and had chemistry despite poor writing. Idealistic and awkward boy genius Quinn Mallory (Jerry O'Connell), plucky girl next door Wade Welles (Sabrina Lloyd), sarcastic but smooth retired R&B singer Rembrandt Brown (Cleavant Derricks) and of course arrogant and patriarchal Professor Maxamillian Arturo (John Rhys-Davies) were the perfect dream team, and on a shallower note, their names were pretty cool too! I wasn't always crazy about Wade, but she served a purpose as the heart of the team, something that was lacking when both Arturo and Wade departed and instead we got cold bitch, Maggie Beckett (Kari Wuhrer). I may not have loved Wade, but I HATED Maggie. She was so affronting and hateful, and replacing one cliche (girl next door) with another (badass butt-kicking hot chick) was NOT an improvement.
The next new character, Quinn's brother Colin (played by Jerry O'Connell's real-life bro Charlie) was the only one I could stand, and added new dimensions, but then, what fuckery should arise, but BOTH Mallory/O'Connell brothers are axed in one fell swoop, falling into plot-hole-Hell to be replaced with the incredible boring duo, Diana Davis and Mallory. Let me clear one thing up: Diana Davis is an original character (with a personality so vanilla I can't recall a single thing about her), but 'Mallory' was actually supposed to be Quinn Mallory's double from that world, who fused with the Quinn we all knew and loved and, like, absorbed his personality or something. I don't know, it was all convoluted and stupid and was never resolved in a way that restored OUR Quinn, but the long and short of it is that we were supposed to believe they were sort of the same person. Never mind that on every other world, in every other episode, Quinn's doubles were always played by Jerry O'Connell. Fuck continuity, on THIS world, Quinn looks like some other asshole, and all subsequent doubles of "Quinn Mallory" will look that way too. WTF SHOW? Why not just introduce a NEW character with a new complex history instead of just coasting off the one you already created and barely explained? It's bad enough you're trying to hammer out another year with only one remaining original cast member; don't insult us with your fuckery as well. Quinn Mallory is and always will be Jerry O'Connell alone. Accept no substitutes.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE TWINS!

4. Jonas Quinn

At the end of Stargate SG-1's fifth season, the show left Showtime for Sci Fi, and Michael Shanks, a.k.a. Daniel Jackson, left the show over contract disputes, perhaps thinking that the show wouldn't flourish on a new network and without one of its core characters. This was the biggest mistake the show ever made, as Daniel Jackson was not only the favorite character of the fans, but deeply entrenched in Stargate legacy, having been THE PERSON to figure out how the damn gate worked in the first place. To have SG-1 without Daniel was just blasphemy, but they took their folly one step further by KILLING Daniel and trying to REPLACE him... with this tool.
Jonas Quinn was a moralistic young scientist from another planet, minimally involved in the incident that led to Daniel's demise... He was also THE BIGGEST TOOL ever to grace the gate room, hands down. The writers tried to give Jonas a personality of his own, but they failed miserably. Without Daniel in the picture, the team had a few empty quotas to fill, namely 'Hot Young Guy', 'Idealistic Non-Military Guy', and 'Jack O'Neill Foil,' which Jonas promptly filled. They didn't want to be too obvious or heavy-handed in their attempts to replace the K.I.A. fan favorite, so Jonas fell just short of being a linguist/archaeologist/geek like Daniel. Without these skills to bring to the team, Jonas's only contribution is as a scientist... but there was never any need for one with the much-more-brilliant Sam Carter around. Therefore, JONAS WAS USELESS. I've never seen a character who was a bigger tool than Jonas. And to prove the extent of his tool-ness, Jonas got the boot the moment Daniel Jackson was resurrected and returned to the team, and absolutely no one cared. Thanks for keeping the seat warm, Mr. Quinn, but we all knew you were only a temporary fix. Bye bye, tool. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. Oh, and thanks for making the entire sixth season totally unwatchable with your boring self!

3. Caitlin and Charlie

If my choices for this list have proven anything so far, it's that I tend to HATE it when shows lose their main character and try to soldier on with replacements. Fox Mulder, Quinn Mallory, and Daniel Jackson are all excellent examples, and their ranks are joined by Mike Flaherty of "Spin City." I have to give the show credit for trying; Michael J. Fox had to leave for medical reasons, and everyone else wanted to stay, but instead of shifting focus to any one of the existing characters and giving them room to shine, they brought on Charlie Sheen to fill his shoes and utterly take over the show. But you see, he had help. An infiltrator had already joined their midst in the form of Heather Locklear's 'Caitlin', the coldest, nastiest bitch on the show. I don't know why she was needed in the first place, and I never liked her character at all. I don't understand why she was the new guy one minute, and THE face of "Spin City" the next. I would have preferred that more screen time was given to Carter and Stuart, James, Paulie, Nikki, the mayor, ANYONE but Heather Locklear. Michael J. Fox leaving was the last straw for me. The rest of the cast may have remained the same, but with Caitlin and Charlie dominating every storyline and overshadowing the characters who had been there from the beginning, and with whom they lacked all chemistry, it just wasn't the same show. Thanks, assholes, for ruining a perfectly good sitcom.

2. Connor

In its five-year run, "Angel" made a lot of mistakes with its characters. I'm sure a lot of this can be contributed to Joss Whedon's utter inability to let any of his creations be truly happy, and perhaps this is a sure sign that we were lucky Joss never got a chance to destroy everyone on "Firefly" one by one. No mistake was ever worse than Connor, Angel's son, who marked the beginning of a quick decline in the show's quality. Like Dawn, Connor was a Magical Random Family Member who popped up with little to no explanation necessary (how did two vampires manage to conceive a child? Who knows! Who cares! Angel's a DADDY now!), and also like Dawn (and if you think about it, like Lilly Foster-Lambert!), Connor skipped over that awkward growing up period and went straight into adolescence, thanks to a ridiculously convenient prophecy involving an alternate universe. You really would have thought that Joss had learned his lesson with Dawn but Connor was even worse because Joss didn't even have a game plan prepared for Connor, eventually dumping his ass in the Wormhole of Continuity and rearranging show history so that everyone forgot who Connor was and everything was back to normal. WTF SHOW? Way to create your biggest problem then duck and run when things got too sketchy. You know, I really wanted to like Connor too. I had a giant crush on Vincent Kartheiser ever since that Alaska movie that he was in with Thora Birch when I was 9. But I'm sorry, everything went downhill, starting with Connor. Wesley lost all the foppishness and innocence that made him adorable and beloved and entered the era of 'Dark Wesley', who did not get along with Angel. Wolfram and Hart started playing a central role in screwing with everyone's lives, something that eventually figuratively killed Gunn's character and literally killed Fred's. And worst of all was Cordelia, who ended up screwing both father and son in a disgusting display of character homocide. Ironically, the only person it didn't seem to affect was Angel himself, who let Connor go live an alternate life and remained the only person who remembered his son, and thus never spoke of him again. Way to go, show. Why did you ever introduce that fucking brat in the first place?

1. Maritza Cruz

"Third Watch" was notable for being first show to really succeed at presenting all branches of emergency service personnel: cops, paramedics, and firefighters. By the fourth season, though, they may have started to realize that their strongest components were the cop characters, and the focus really started to shift, as we had way more cops than the other two. I never really minded the other additions; the only one I could not stand was Sgt. Maritza Cruz, a tough, hard-as-nails Latina detective who started out as an undercover cop with sketchy intentions. We were led to believe Cruz was corrupt while she led fan favorite Bosco down an increasingly darker path, both mentoring him and sleeping with him and in the process destroying the best partnership on the show: Bosco and Faith. We thought it would end up that Cruz would go down for her crimes and get the boot, but alas, in some convoluted surprise turning point, it was revealed that Cruz was really working for the good guys all along, and just went about it the wrong way. This would have been fine had it not come to light during a three-way shootout between Bosco, Faith and Cruz that nearly killed Faith and worse, Faith and Bosco's partnership! No skank should ever have come between Bosco and Faith, especially not one as unremorseful and downright evil as Maritza Cruz. The storyline came startlingly close to ruining Maurice Boscorelli for me as well, but thankfully he redeemed himself by aiming for Maritza, not Faith, when it came time to pull the trigger.
But Cruz's involvement didn't stop there--oh no! She stuck around and continued to piss everyone off while still toying with Bosco, who was starting to look more like a tool and less like the strong character he had been. As a result, the show lost a lot of its wonder and hope it presented in early seasons, in exchange for a much grittier vibe that seemed out of place. I never warmed to her, not once, and I saw no evidence that we were supposed to warm to her. It's one thing to have complicated characters, but if they aren't the least bit likeable, why are they getting so much screen time?! The worst offense was that in the show's series finale, it was CRUZ over everyone else who got the heroic death. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad the bitch finally bit it and characters I loved and rooted for got to live on, but come on, really? Are we really supposed to care that she FINALLY did something right at the very end? I didn't feel one ounce of sympathy, nor did I buy that she was missed. If they were going for gravity, they really ought to have chosen another character to heroically sacrifice themselves, because Cruz deserved the worst fate imaginable for ruining my show.

Top 8 Characters That Always Remind Me of Adam

2009-09-19T01:42:35Z

8. Mickey Mouse/Mrs. Doubtfire

The only thing Adam has in common with either of these characters is that he does a damn good impression. And no, I probably won't think of Adam every time I see a Mickey Mouse cartoon, since Mickey was a fixture in my life long before Adam but it is rather amusing that Adam still slips into Mickey voice without even tending to from time to time. Mrs. Doubtfire though... I dunno. Though Adam only knows the one-word-line, "HELLOOOOOO" I still will probably think of Adam whenever I watch that movie.

7. Charles Winchester

Adam says that this was his favorite character from M*A*S*H* and I found that strange until I found out that Adam loves Charles for his pomposity and smugness. While Adam doesn't really exude these qualities, he does certainly get pleasure out of telling other people how wrong they are, so it all makes sense! ;P

6. Beggin Strips Dog

These commercials annoyed the Hell out of me until I shared this sentiment with Adam and he started doing impressions that inexplicably became Scottish. I suppose for Adam it was inevitable that he would accidentally turn it into an outrageous accent, and for me I suppose it was inevitable that I would find the silly randomness of this rather stupid joke comical after more than a year, but one thing's for sure: I now can't watch these commercials without thinking "I CRAAYYYVE BACON" in an outrageous Scotsman's voice and giggling to myself. DAMN YOU HOBART!

5. Burton Guster

The straight man to his kooky sidekick, Gus plays an important role in crime-solving on "Psych" primarily due to his random massive collection of knowledge on... well, everything. Gus is a walking, talking database of useless information that somehow finds ways to be useful week to week. He's a geek, but not a hopeless one, and for the record I could totally see Adam getting his kicks running around solving crimes week after week while his random knowledge came in handy.

4. Ross Gellar
3. Chandler Bing

I honestly couldn't decide which "Friends" character more accurately encapsulates the spirit of Adam so I had to include both. I never would have compared Adam to either character back when "Friends" was still on the air, but ever since the show ended and Adam started watching all the episodes then proceeding to quote every line with deadly accuracy that comes from that aforementioned wealth of useless knowledge, I find him inextricably comparable to both. On the one hand he's a goofy, slightly neurotic, smartypants, hopeless romantic like Ross, who occasionally slips into outrageous moods and accents, is sometimes physically comedic, and abhors being wrong. On the other hand, he is the classic 'funny guy' of a group of friends whose wacky sense of humor sometimes offends (especially when it is at the expense of others) but always stands out above everyone else. It's like someone took the essence of Adam and split him evenly into both characters, with maybe like an ounce into Joey if we're looking purely at a love for sandwiches and pie.

2. Frasier Crane

Adam's love for Charles Winchester also doesn't surprise me in light of his extreme love for Frasier Crane, who is a very similar character. Frasier is intelligent, endlessly witty, impossibly loud, sometimes self-righteous, classy, a pillar of respect in a family that still doesn't take his crap when he dishes it out, prone to the occasional bout of physical comedy, and admittedly a little in love with the sound of his own voice... and we love him for it. I think it explains to a tee exactly what's what with Adam.

1. Pigeon

Back in high school when I first picked up a 'Pigeon' book while working at the library, I was instantly drawn (no pun intended) to the titular character. The books by Mo Willems feature a pigeon who goes by no title besides 'The Pigeon' engaging in activities while simultaneously engaging the young reader in a Dora-esque manner (that is, addressing the reader as if they were actually there playing a part in the events). In the first book in the series, "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" the pigeon tries to convince the child reader to let him drive the bus in the absence of the bus driver, who has specifically warned the children not to let that sneaky pigeon try to drive the bus while he's gone. Naturally the pigeon will have none of this and goes through all the stages of grief when he is told he cannot, bargaining, throwing a tantrum, and getting depressed and mopey before accepting! It's uncanny and the entire time I was scanning over the pigeon's rapidly changing moods and dialogue ... all I could think of was Adam. Please, tell me you can't read this classic pigeon montage without picturing Adam saying at least half of them:

And here is another example from a sequel, "Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late":

UNCANNY. AMIRITE?

Of course, what's most important to mention in all of this is that all these characters are loveable and good, they never fail to amuse me, and I carry a spot for each of them in my heart. :)

20 Hottest Geeks

2009-08-17T05:10:10Z

OK, it's time for my shallowest list yet... the 20 hottest geeks. Why such a large number? Well I just couldn't narrow it down. I apparently dig the dorks. My list is a mixture of fictional TV characters and actors who frequently play geeks, but leaning more towards the fictional characters angle because there are just too many to count! Apparently America loves the geek archetype all too well because you can find one on just about any genre of TV show nowadays, as my list below will prove. I think it has something to do with their inherent underdog quality. Everyone expects the tall, dark and handsome hero to get the girl and beat down the bad guy eventually; there's something so much more appealing about the average guy saving the day that makes the adorkable ones infinitely more intriguing and watchable. Here are twenty guys you just can't help but root for... and it doesn't hurt that they're pretty damn good looking!

20. Xander Harris [Nicholas Brendon]

Xander Harris was always my favorite character on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" from the very beginning. There was just something so lovable about the awkward, earnest Xander that made everything better, and I always found it unfair that his attractiveness was overshadowed by suave, angsty types like Angel and Spike and Riley. I fear his seven-year role on Joss's kickoff show may have doomed him to a lifetime of typecast roles as dorks and losers, but he plays them so well it's hard to complain. Nick's getting up there in years and not looking so young and cute anymore, but he's surprisingly attractive in the right role. Even Xander Harris became more attractive the more he grew up and took on responsibilities. By the end of the show, his character was more than battle-scarred [he lost a frickin' eye!... thanks Joss] and yet somehow it made him seem even hotter. But maybe I just have a thing for eye patches...

19. Seamus Harper [Gordon Michael Woolvett]

My inextricable attraction to Seamus Harper from Gene Roddenberry's "Andromeda" may be more of a matter of personal taste, as I'm sure his imposing ego and squeaky whining are massive turn-offs to most sane people, but nonetheless here he is. For five years, despite massive bastardization of what could have been an iconic character, my fondness for Harper only grew. Sure he was annoying, egotistical, often self-serving, and prone to running away from fights, but I totally didn't care; there was enough inherent goodness in Harper aside that made him ultimately the guy to root for. I guess I can understand why he never got the girl: five feet and 140 pounds of brainy energy would probably not fare well next to stoic Nietzche-inspired warriors and the guy who used to play Hercules. Even in strictly science fiction shows the geeks never catch a break! But it's okay, Seamus Zelazny Harper; I still love you! As a bonus, Gordon never seems to age! Guy's almost forty and he still looks 25!

18. Michael Cera

Yeah, yeah, he has yet to prove himself beyond anything but a typecast awkward geek, but I don't care. Michael Cera melts my heart a little. His adorkableness is overwhelming, from sweet, cousin-lovin' George-Michael Bluth to awkward Paulie Bleeker to kickass alternative music afficionado Nick, I immediately love his characters, and I know I'm not the only one. There's a reason people keep casting Michael in these movies... and if it means people are starting to be more tolerant of geeky losers, then who am I to object?

17. Eric Foreman [Topher Grace]

Eric Foreman may be a scrawny Star Wars loving wuss, but Topher Grace is an attractive man. It's hard to overlook that fact when watching "That 70s Show." Plus, Eric's extreme geekitude sort of grows on you. He may be made fun of on a regular basis by his friends, his father, and his girlfriend, but damn it all if Eric isn't still as proud a geek as he can be. He doesn't make any excuses for this, he just embraces his inner and outer geek wholeheartedly, and he STILL gets the girl. Now that's something to admire!

16. Greg Sanders [Eric Szmanda]

From cheeky, oddball lab rat to mature, occasionally silly CSI on the flagship show, Greg Sanders is the only thing that could still get me to watch the original crime procedural that started the whole craze almost ten years back. I loved him when he was a wacky, coffee-loving, hardcore rock playing kid with uncontrollable hair and I love him now that he's a more reserved but still naive and sweet investigator in the field. I've seen Eric in only one other show where he played... big surprise... a teenage computer whiz hacker. He's destined for geek roles, but he breaks the mold with Greg Sanders.

15. Jay Baruchel

I don't know what it is about this guy, but I find him to be attractive. He's got this awkward lankiness about him that makes him the perfect geek again and again in Judd Apatow's projects, but he's actually quite cute, and it's distracting when you only see him playing geeks whom everybody ignores. I look forward to seeing him in more roles, especially his big role in the live-action Sorcerer's Apprentice later this year.

14. Gabriel Bowman [John Hensley]

It was very difficult to find a picture of Gabriel Bowman from the short-lived "Witchblade" because he just wasn't a heavily-featured character, having been invented for the TV show and never appearing in the comics, and even then relegated to exposition purposes. The fact that a character like this is on this list is a testament to how truly AWESOME Gabriel was. Hell, if Gabriel Bowman were a real person I would MARRY HIM in an instant, no matter what crazy, warrior-chick-with-a-legacy shit he was wrapped up in. Gabriel was a young, hip, self-starting artifacts dealer who became the lead character's confidante and sidekick of sorts. He was extremely precocious, a snappy dresser, a fast talker, and had amazing taste in music. He was just too cool and the fact that he was a total geek never seemed to stand in his way, as he was, at one point, seeing a hot Bulgarian supermodel. Now how many geeks do you know who could reel in Bulgarian supermodels? That's what I thought...

13. Zach Braff

It doesn't get much dorkier than John Dorian, and yet, I am completely enamored with both the "Scrubs" character and the actor that portrays him in all his roles. Zach Braff is infinitely lovable, despite consistently playing nerdy, awkward characters. As JD, even when he's guzzling Appletinis, wearing shower shorts, quoting sitcoms, obsessively day-dreaming, writing in his journal, vying for his mentor's approval, or indulging in his massive 'Guy Love' for his best friend Turk, he's still just so adorable you can never fault him for it! He's a geek alright, but one of the cutest around, without a doubt.

12. Alec Hardison [Aldis Hodge]

I guess when they created the character of Hardison for TNT's "Leverage" they wanted to create a techno-geek character who was dorky and smart, but still cool and smooth. They definitely nailed that with the casting of Aldis Hodge, who can pull off both flawlessly. Hardison has all the normal traits of the techno-wizard--hacking skillz, uber-intelligent, not the greatest fighter, nervous babbling, wise-ass sense of humor--but he also possesses some serious grifting skills. He can play the part in a con and he can get away with a lot with just a little smooth talking. In his first appearance on the show, we flash back to an 18-year-old Hardison's early law-breaking exploits in hacking, getting caught partying in a hotel room with two hot strippers... only to grin sheepishly and wave his hand, claiming to the security guards, "these aren't the droids you're looking for..." Oh delicious geekitude, Hardison is thy name!

11. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joseph Gordon-Levitt may not be strictly a geek. To be honest, I don't really know anything about the actor in real life, but something about him just screams 'Geek.' Maybe it's because I knew him first as Tommy, the unexpected straight-man in a cast of weirdos on "3rd Rock from the Sun" and knew him best as Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You; maybe it's because he's fast becoming a king of indie thoroughfare and yet still stars in blockbusters like G.I. Joe [totally geeky choice of roles right there]; or maybe it's just his awkward looks, but I am convinced Joseph's got geek cred. And if they keep casting him in the role of the hapless loser chasing after the girl, it's okay, because quite frankly he's cutest when he's just a wee bit pathetic.

10. Danny Messer [Carmine Giovinazzo]

This man has got to be the most gorgeous science geek you could ever hope to see in a lab coat. Seriously, Danny Messer would look more at home as a rockstar or a surfer than than he does behind yellow tape collecting samples with cotton swabs, but it's okay! I'll let it slide, just so long as he keeps gracing our TV sets every Wednesday night! Bonus points for the imposing Brooklyn accent, which, despite the cliches it implicates, only serves to make him sexier! Perhaps if more guys in my college science classes looked like this, I might have stuck with the subject. Of course, I would have a hard time paying attention... but it's okay. ;)

9. Sam Winchester [Jared Padalecki]

"Supernatural's" Sam Winchester isn't strictly a geek, at least not in the ways some of the other guys on this list are. He's only a geek insofar as he's book smart, the go-to researcher guy, and kind of a know-it-all. When it comes to fighting badass monsters, handling hardcore weaponry, and getting girls though, he's all man. I guess in the context of the show (and particularly in the eyes of his too-cool-for-school older brother) he's about as geek as you get. But I'd say the fact that his greatest desire in life was to go to college makes him geek enough for my list as well.

8. Burton Guster [Dulé Hill]

Number one Psychic sidekick, pharmeceuticals rep, receptor of kickass nicknames, and of course, Magic Head, Burton Guster is one of my favorite geeks. Being Shawn Spencer's best friend means Gus would be implicated in his wacky schemes no matter what, but Gus's actual usefulness in these unusual situations is totally attributed to his wide expanse of knowledge on... well, pretty much all things! It's not just pharmeceuticals knowledge that Gus brings to the table on the duo's murder cases. He's got a wealth of knowledge in that magic head of his on a number of topics, including spelling bees, planetariums, dinosaurs, safecracking, comic books, and competitive reality shows about singing, to name just a few. He's hilarious and awkward and a little bit of a spaz, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look really good doing all those things!

7. Ewan McGregor

Ewan McGregor isn't on this list just because he played Obi Wan Kenobi in the new Star Wars trilogy... he's on this list because while playing Obi Wan Kenobi, he apparently supplied his own light saber sounds during action scenes. Ewan is a geek of the first order; you just have a hard time seeing him that way because he got to do what every geek out there always wishes they could do... live out your fantasy life on screen and actually become a Jedi Master. When not playing Jedis, Ewan is in a wide variety of movies, and not all of them geeky, but seeing as my favorite Ewan role is the hapless and lovelorn playwright in Moulin Rouge, he's geek enough for me.

6. Justin Long

The number of geeky roles this guy takes on doesn't surprise me: he's got the perfect look and persona for the role of the dorky sidekick. He's also been known to play redneck and slacker characters a lot, but I think he works best as a sweet, nerdy guy, a la Dodgeball or Die Hard or Jeepers Creepers. This may be another matter of personal taste but I just find him really attractive in just about anything! Even when he's playing whiny, wimpy guys. There's something about him that just appeals, which probably explains why he's getting more 'leading man' roles these days.

5. Spencer Reid [Matthew Gray Gubler]

Probably the geekiest character on this entire list, the lanky, squeaky-voiced, cardigan-wearing, Doctor Reid from "Criminal Minds" is so awkward, it's debated whether or not he has some form of Asperger's. He's fixated on his intelligence and spouting bits of knowledge, not because he's flaunting, but because it's the only way he knows of interacting with people. Matthew Gray Gubler is also, as far as I know, the only actor on this list who had a serious modeling career prior to entering into acting. This kid is just too gorgeous off screen but when you dress him in layered sweaters, slap some big frames on his face and give him a bad haircut, he is the perfect nerd. Along with Justin Long, Matthew played one of the Chipmunks in that crappy movie a couple years ago, only Matthew actually played the geeky Chipmunk, so it's especially appropriate that he's on this list.

4. Charlie Eppes [David Krumholtz]

David Krumholtz is known for playing dorky guys with outrageous Jew fros and Charlie Eppes is no exception, but Charlie is cooler than most other geek characters David plays. For one thing, he uses his knowledge to solve crimes and teach at the same time, which is one helluva job at multitasking! He may not be the most BA MF on the playground but he really doesn't suffer from a lot of the traits your traditional geek suffers from. He actually has some competency at certain sports and more importantly: he's not awkward at social situations. He even got the girl and kept her steadily for like 4 or 5 years now. Go Charlie!

3. Seth Cohen [Adam Brody]

Speaking of Jew fros, who doesn't love Seth Cohen, of "O.C." fame? Seth appealed to male and female viewers alike--male because of his realistic portrayal of your average, geeky, comic-book- and video-game-loving teen who pines after the hot, popular girl; female because let's face it: he's gorgreous. In real life, a guy this cute probably wouldn't be as universally hated as Seth Cohen, even in preppy rich kid school, and yes, even when you're standing next to sexy bad boys from the other side of the block who wear wife-beaters like there's no tomorrow. It's no wonder Seth eventually got the girl and then some. Despite his rampant self-involvement and occasional obsessive behavior, Seth Cohen remains utterly hot.

2. Daniel Jackson [Michael Shanks]

Part of me kind of misses when Daniel Jackson of "Stargate" fame was just the adorkable nerd with luscious locks who always needed saving and constantly got himself into trouble messing with artifacts... but then I remember what he looks like now and ye-ow, I take it back. It's good to know I can truly love both sides of Daniel--the awkward, naive young'n who unlocked the gate and made gaga eyes at the alien chicks, and the buff, self-confident, but wounded and lonely warrior-scholar he became after being subject to years of adventures and gate travel. It's nice to see that in a science fiction show, characters can positively develop over the years, instead of just staying caricatures or archetypes. It's even nicer to see Daniel Jackson grow up into a guy who can really handle his own, but still stays true to a quest for knowledge and a passive nature. O'Neill knows him best--Daniel's a geek, but he's one you'd also want watching your back!

1. Chuck Bartowski [Zach Levi]

From the same creator as "The O.C."s Seth Cohen (and kind of cut from the same stone), Chuck Bartowski is one hot geek. His love for Tron and Dune and his job as a Nerd Herd specialist at the Buy More are what make him relatable, but the fact that Zach Levi is so damn hot sort of takes away from the adorkability that is Chuck. Like Seth Cohen, Chuck stumbles through social interaction, talks fast, and often about subjects beyond most people's interests, and he chases after a seemingly unattainable girl and yet totally snags her (as a matter of fact, they've both snagged Rachel Bilson!). Unlike Seth Cohen, though, Chuck is a much more pronounced hero, having sacrificed his normal life to his new mission. While he occasionally has problems accepting this responsibility, he always powers through it anyway, for the sake of his loved ones, and that just makes him even more gorgeous. Hell, if the real Geek Squad guys at Best Buy looked like Chuck Bartowski, I'd be smashing my laptop with a hammer every week.

Top 15 Coolest TV Pets Throughout Time

2009-07-29T22:24:27Z

They run the gamut from loyal to cute to funny to just plain awesome but the one thing they have in common is that they all just plain rock. (I thought up this list in about half an hour last night, so if I'm missing anybody you think deserves to be here, please let me know in the comments. FYI, I did NOT forget Lassie. I just didn't want to include her.) I decided to stick to TV pets because I realized if I included movie pets, the list would be a mile long and composed of 90% Disney characters. I may have limited myself a little too much though; I never realized how few TV families had pets!

15. Buttons

Buttons was the modern-day Lassie, or at least, he was a parody of the beloved Collie, working overtime to protect his own 'Timmy', a cutesy coverall-clad tyke named Mindy, who was a magnet for trouble. Poor Buttons never could catch a break, nearly killing himself to save Mindy only to get blamed for her being in trouble to begin with, but he never shied away from his duty. At least Mindy knew what was up, even though she caused the problems to begin with. Funny fact: I once took a 'Animaniacs Personality Quiz' and I have no idea how, but I ended up as Mindy, so I guess it's no surprise that Buttons made my list. I'd love a dog like Buttons following me around, like a personal guardian angel and uber-protector.

14. Bronx

I never really got why the Gargoyles needed a Gargoyle dog. I mean, aren't they already Gargoyles themselves? Where is the distinction between Gargoyle-pet and Gargoyle-man? This has always bothered me, to a degree, but I try not to let it get to me too much, because Bronx was totally fucking cool. He was one of my favorite parts about the 90s cartoon, and if you were a kid in that era then chances are you wanted one of these guarding your rooftop too!

13. Little Boy Cat

OK, so Little Boy Cat really only appeared in one episode of "Psych"... and in all likelihood was not, in fact, a little boy at all (nice observation skills, Shawn!) but I still think he deserves to be on this list. Just think of this as a petition to bring back Little Boy Cat full-time. I mean, who doesn't want a crime-solving cat around the house? This is a one-off appearance that deserves a more prominent role, but maybe I'm just saying that because James Roday looks cuter cuddling with a kitty.

12. Hakuryuu

Hakuryuu was a pint-sized pet dragon owned by Hakkai from the Anime "Saiyuki" who was cool enough as a dragon companion, but was actually DOUBLY awesome because in his off-time he transformed into a Jeep, in which the Saiyuki guys rode around on their many nomadic adventures. Because of this unlikely trait, Hakuryuu has to be, like, the most useful pet ever. Need a ride? Hakuryuu. Need a magic dragon to help you fight? Hakuryuu. Need your ride to quickly disappear without finding a giant bush to hide it in? HAKURYUU. Do you see where I'm coming from here? He's cute, he's loyal, and he gets great mileage to the gallon! What more could a warrior priest and his demonic companions ask for? I'm sure Taylor could tell me a whole lot more cool stuff about Hakuryuu but you'll have to suffice with what you see here.

11. Santa's Little Helper

Santa's Little Helper, also known as the Simpsons' family dog may not have been the smartest or the cutest dog in the pack but gosh darn it if you didn't love him anyway. There was even a whole episode revolving around Bart getting a new dog, one who was highly intelligent, beautiful, and bravely loyal to boot, but finding out at the end that he still wanted the old 'bad' dog back. SLH proved that even bad dogs needed love, and really exemplified the valor of a true dog lover, who loved their pet dearly no matter what kind of an animal they were. Your dog is your dog, and Santa's Little Helper is here to stay, going on 20 years now!

10. Kodo and Podo

Kodo and Podo were two little rascally ferrets owned by Dar in the movie/show "The Beastmaster." They were so adorable, even when--no, especially when they were causing trouble. I'm so glad the TV show decided to ignore the fact that one of them was thrown in a volcano at the end of that awful 80s movie so that they could be together for more misadventures in the show. Dar would probably balk at the insinuation that they were his 'pets', as animals are free and owned by no man, but who are we kidding? They were pets of the best variety--that is, the sneaking about and stealing keys to free their owner variety.

9. Rowdy

You couldn't find a dog more well behaved the Rowdy. He never barked, he never shed... Well, OK, he occasionally had the habit of wandering off when you weren't looking, appearing in random places, or humping your leg. but I would say that was really more of an owner's mishandling than true rotten nature. JD and Turk purchased him at a garage sale--already in his current condition, mind you, and became attached. At some point during the show, Carla, who found Rowdy creepy (What?! Whatever for?!) accidentally lost Rowdy and secretly had him replaced with "Stephen." JD and Turk didn't notice until Rowdy showed up again one day and, to Carla's dismay, decided to split the two dogs up so they would each have one!

8. Salem

Salem was the sometimes-real, sometimes-animatronic pet cat from the show "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" who used to be human, cursed to cat form. He handled it relatively well, as his lush and indulgent nature was well-suited by his new species. Salem was lascivious, entitled, and a troublemaker, but he was usually a good friend. We were probably better off leaving Melissa Joan Hart's fame in the late nineties, because let's face it: Salem was kind of the best part about "Sabrina." And not at all creepy in animatronic form... O_O

7. Cochise

I'm new to the wonderful world of "Bonanza" but I can already tell you with firm confidence that Little Joe and his horse Cochise are a classic team. They just go together so well that it's impossible to distinguish one without mentioning the other. You can laugh all you want, but watching Michael Landon interact with this horse is a thing of beauty, and they share a lot of cute scenes, like sharing coffee so Cochise can get a fresh start on his day too. Sadly, there's an unfortunate story attached to the original Cochise, which led to his being replaced on the show by similar ponies, but nothing could beat the original.

6. Seymour

If anyone ever says "Futurama" is strictly a comedy or that cartoons aren't capable of strong emotion, then you have to watch "Jurassic Bark." For a one-time character who didn't even have any lines apart from barking the tune to "Walking on Sunshine", Seymour is pretty high on my list, but it's for a good reason. Seymour was the best friend a guy could ask for, meeting Fry by his work every day, searching for him ruthlessly following his disappearance and actually FINDING him, only to be pulled away. Seymour was by far the most loyal dog I have ever seen depicted, having waited patiently for Fry TWELVE YEARS in front of the pizza parlor until he just laid down and died. Thankfully they rewrote this history in a time-traveling episode which proved that Seymour was reunited with Fry and lived a happy life at his side.

5. Perry the Platypus

"Phineas and Ferb" is another show I'm relatively new to, but I don't think you need to go far to realize that Perry the Platypus is one of the coolest pets out there. For one thing... he's a freakin' PLATYPUS! And how many kids do you know that own a PLATYPUS for a family pet? But, his unusual species aside, Perry is still cool because he leads a secret double life as 'Agent P' a spy for the government who constantly foils the 'evil' plans of Heinz Doofenshmirtz, his sworn nemesis. Doofenshmirtz is pretty terrible at being evil, but he keeps trying, and as long as he does that, Perry is there to stop him, to hilarious results.

4. Eddie

In the heyday of "Frasier" Eddie was practically a superstar. Sales of Jack Russell Terriers as family pets soared for a few years there, and who can blame them? Eddie just made it look that good. The feisty little dog that belonged to Frasier's dad Martin was sort of a nemesis to Frasier, but everyone loved him anyway. The terrier packed a mountain of personality into a tiny package, and was often one of the most charismatic characters on screen, which is saying a lot since "Frasier"s cast was full of charisma. Plus he's just so darn cute!

3. Brian

It's hard to remember some times that Brian is a pet, with reason, since the show never makes it clear who can understand Stewie, and yet everyone can understand Brian. There's also no golden rule for talking animals, as some are upright and talking and some are just plain animals, but that's "Family Guy" for you. Brian is an exceptional character, becoming even more so when paired with his sometimes-friend-sometimes-nemesis Stewie. He has an amazing singing voice, a love of Sinatra and classical music, and a weakness for martinis. He is also prone to addictions and has a phenomonally imposing ego, but we forgive him because he's just so cool. He loses points on the Loyalty Scale because he harbors a crush on his best friend's wife, but he always earns our love back with acerbic wit and inherent goodness.

2. Wishbone

"Wishbone", which only ran for 3 years in the mid-90s but spawned plenty of book series and a lasting impression, was about yet another Jack Russell Terrier, but this one was a little more vocal than Eddie. "Wishbone" was about a dog and his boy, Joe, and their after-school-special adventures, but it was also about books. Wishbone would imagine himself as the main character in a classic book then draw comparisons between the story being told and the real-life problems of Joe and his friends. Sure, it was corny and silly, and nobody was standing around the set waiting to hand out Oscars, but none of that mattered because "Wishbone" was doing something few others could do pre-Harry Potter, which is to foster an interest in reading in young children. It was successful in this endeavor because they used everyone's weakness: a cute PUPPY! Who wouldn't want to pick up "Robin Hood" or "The Count of Monte Cristo" when Wishbone makes it look this adorable?!

1. Marcel

I'm gonna be honest with you: the top five entries on this list are pretty much tied. I had a real hard time deciding on an order and in the end just picked sort of randomly, but that doesn't lessen my love for Marcel any. I don't even like monkeys very much, so that a monkey is number 1 on my list is pretty decent. Marcel just brought so many laughs to the show that I couldn't help it. The "Friends" characters never had a whole lot of pets; apart from a few one-off cats owned by the girls and of course, the beloved chick and duck belonging to Joey and Chandler, their lives stayed relatively pet-free. The only one that truly stood out was Marcel, the adorable little Capuchin monkey that belonged to Ross. Normally I dislike physical comedy with monkeys and humans, as I find it a little cheap, but Marcel transcended this to become a lovable, if brief addition to "Friends."

The Top 5 Reasons I Will Be Deaf By 35

2009-07-28T01:48:06Z

In no particular order ;)

5. The dunebuggy

I've been going to Silver Lake every year since I was in my mother's womb, so the buggy and I are *likethis*. It's because of this connection that it doesn't really register most of the time that this machine is loud. And I mean LOUD. When you spend hours riding around the sands with that engine just inches away from your head, it's damn near impossible to hear, so you'd think I'd have picked up on this earlier. I guess all that raucous has just become white noise to me, second nature almost. I do not notice it today and I did not notice it when I was a child either, since I used to fall asleep and take naps while riding around on the dunes as a kid. It offers a soothing/comforting feeling I don't even get on long car rides. It also offers surefire deafness in due time.

4. Un-acoustically-engineered band room

Someone out there sure had it out for the Dondero band; this much was evident when they moved us into the tiny, cramped basement where our only defense against massive sound reverberation were some dowdy, white canvas curtains, probably from the days when they thought that hiding under your desks with your hands over your head would protect you from nuclear holocaust. The curtains operated under the same assumptions. Sure, they might have absorbed some of the sound, but the room was so small that there was always something blasting away two inches from your ear anyway. Not to mention that using the curtains meant you were shrouded in darkness. We may as well have called it the Bat Cave, but the Bat Cave probably had better acoustics!

3. My own personal tunnel of sound

Perhaps none of you know this about me, or perhaps you are all incredibly aware and I'm just too lost in oblivion to notice, but I actually listen to very loud music under my headphones. In fact, I purchased those headphones with the big ears so that I can clamp them over my ears and just disappear. Turning up the radio and just tuning out is a great way to live life, and a personal philosophy of mine. When I'm driving in my car alone, I always crank it up to 11 and rock out. Only when I'm with other people do I turn it down to a reasonable decibel level. Gotta minimize distractions, you know? It's probably a good thing my AC broke, because I'm sure listening to music as loudly as I do with the windows down at least eliminates some of the damage done to my eardrums, though it may increase the road rage of the drivers in proximity to me...

2. Rock concerts

You might say these last two could really be grouped together, but I beg to differ. The aftermath of a rock concert, when experienced in the rightful position, front and center before the stage, is like nothing else. If your ears aren't ringing for at least two hours afterwards, then you didn't do it right. Right now I do not regret the damage I'm knowingly doing to my eardrums rocking out two feet away from a booming 6-foot-tall subwoofer. I may regret it later, when I'm paying up the arse for surgery that will allow me to keep listening to any music, but right now, the rush you get up close to your favorite band is worth every minute, and you're just not living if you sit in the back and protect yourself all the time.

1. My mother

Heh, she'll kill me if she reads this list, but I think I'm safe. Yes indeed folks, I think my number one reason for my future deterioration in hearing will be mostly due to my mother. I mean, have you heard the woman? She's like a barn owl with a megaphone. Sure, sure, all that whinging is for my benefit in the end, but in the meantime, I surely cannot be blamed if living with my mom 24/7 has caused me to have selective or faulty hearing... I can hold the phone a foot away from my ear when talking to her and have her voice come through clear as day. If she ever had a volume button, it broke years ago. so if you're ever wondering why I talk so loud sometimes, now you'll know where I got it from. I'm more like my mom than I think, but really, if you lived in my house, you'd HAVE to talk that loud to be heard! :)

(P.S. I call that picture 'Don't Fuck With Nancy', because she may look docile in the photo, but you know she's just waiting to let loose on ya! You can see it in her eyes!)

Haha, if you don't get another list this week, I'm probably slain by my angry mother. [wink, wink]

15 Most Pathetic Sad Sack Characters

2009-06-29T16:51:42Z

They're your favorite pathetic characters, the ones who never seem to catch a break. Sometimes, what we love best about them is that the world just seems to dump everything on them all the time. Sometimes it is a little sad to watch them struggle, but more often it is to comedic effect. This is my list of my fifteen favorite characters who just really earn the title of 'Sad Sack'. I tried to make it ten, but then realized there were too many to pare the list down so it increased to fifteen.

15. Mr. Green

Mr. Green, from my favorite 80's movie, the farcical film adaptation of the game Clue, makes the bottom of my list because he really is pathetic for most of the movie. He is constantly the butt of jokes, keeps getting knocked down by Wadsworth, has his sexuality questioned, and is generally a nervous wreck... until the third alternate ending when he reveals himself to be the pretty-damn-cool FBI agent, hence his low placement on the list. If we're going by either of the preceding two endings, then he may belong higher.

14. Petri

The Land Before Time was my favorite childhood cartoon, and all of the hapless travelers and orphans that make up the film's Hero Roster are pretty pathetic in their own right, but none more so than gangly, whiny, flightless Petri the Pteradactyl. From his first appearance, Petri is a hot mess, crashing into people and things, stumbling, tripping, stuttering and waddling. He initially lacked confidence in his flight skills, and often made people carry him, which irritated them to no end, and for good reason. Petri was tested in the final sequence, when he finally mans up and learns to fly in order to save his friends. But even then, he's still the scrawny sad sack we all love.

13. Harry Lockhart

I saw this movie in 2006 and immediately went and bought it, because it catapaulted itself so quickly to my top five movies. Harry is low on the list because let's face it: he's kind of an asshat with permant Foot-in-Mouth syndrome and deserves most of what's coming to him, but the movie proves that he's ultimately a good guy, and he gets dumped on so much in a two-hour span that it's hard to insist he still deserves it. In the movie he's grazed by a bullet, beaten up defending a girl, ditched by the same girl, witnesses a body dump, thinks his former crush committed suicide, is framed for murder, forced to make out with a dude, has his finger cut off on accident, is beaten up again, has his finger ripped off again, is abducted, has his detached finger eaten by a dog, kills two guys in self-defence, is pistol-whipped, is kidnapped, tortured and electrocuted, is shot in the chest, falls off an overpass, and kills a few more guys... in that order, and all in about three days. It's a damn good thing Robert Downey Jr. is so excellent at being pathetic, because if he didn't play it right, it would be hard to feel for Harry.

13. The mime

The unnamed, silent mime from "Animaniacs" makes the list because he was so damn accident prone and never really caught a break. Plus, nobody ever wanted him around on top of his unluckiness! It was customary to dump on the mime, figuratively and literally, as he made the perfect target for slapstick. The only person as sorry as the mime was probably Mr. Skullhead, from the Good Idea, Bad Idea skits, who was also frequently the victim of mishaps.

12. Robert Barone

Brad Garrett is pretty much THE guy to go to if you want someone pathetic yet loveable. Robert Barone, the scene-stealing brother of Everybody Loves Raymond's titular Raymond, was understandably miffed, always being over-shadowed by his younger brother, despite standing a whole foot taller than him. Robert was constantly overlooked, the victim of unfortunate accidents, and made sure everyone knew this. Normally, someone as whiny as Robert wouldn't make my list, but the fact that nobody ever listened to his whining sort of validated him as a sad sack. Robert is a nice guy and Ray could be kind of an asshole, so he belongs on the list.

10. Kenny McCormick

It doesn't get much more pathetic than dying on a weekly basis in bloody, violent mishaps, but Kenny somehow made it both customary and cool. On top of that, he was the butt of Cartman's welfare jokes, as his poor family kept reproducing despite not being able to support them. We rarely saw Kenny's face or heard his voice unmuffled; instead of getting coherent plots, for the first five years of "South Park", Kenny acted as the tool, doing almost whatever his friends told him to do happily and without question (this was even addressed in one episode, when Kenny straight-up affirmed that he was the perfect tool). In the fifth season, Kenny died 'permanently', disappearing for a whole year before being resurrected as if nothing had happened. Kenny's 'death' episode was the only one where anyone cared that he died. Prior to this, Kenny's death was only a nuisance, if it was even dwelled upon at all. Usually the only attention anyone paid was during Stan and Kyle's usual "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "You bastards!" after which they promptly switched back to the adventure at hand. Since Kenny's resurrection, he no longer dies every week, and he's actually gained something of a backbone, telling Stan to fuck off during an episode when Stan cried about the prospect of Kyle dying (since no one ever gave a hoot when Kenny bit it week after week!). It's always a good throwback to the good ol' days when Kenny dies at the end of an episode.

9. Harold Crick

Harold Crick, from the 2006 movie Stranger Than Fiction, is a sad sack right from the start. The story wouldn't have worked if he wasn't lovably pathetic. The life he lives at story's start takes 'average' to a whole other level. He's barely living, to put it another way. Harold just goes through life without really noticing anything, until he starts to hear the voice in his head that informs him he will die by unknown circumstances. The whole movie is essentially a struggle to prove that his life is worth preserving, and the viewer is baited because Harold is a nice person who really deserves better. At one point in the movie, when trying to figure out if his story is a comedy or a tragedy, Harold glumly comments, "This may sound like gibberish to you, but I think I'm in a tragedy" and instantly compounds his sad sack status.

8. Amos Hart

Before he started playing annoying characters, John C. McGinley was capable of tugging heartstrings as sad sack characters, particularly the polite cuckhold Amos Hart in the 2002 musical Chicago. Amos only wants to do right by his wife, Roxie, going to bat for her during the murder trial of her secret lover, even after finding out she cheated on him. Amos lies for her and claims her unborn baby as his own, even though he knows it's not his, and no one notices or cares. Roxie gets all the sympathy and poor Amos is left in the dust, compounding his status with possibly the most quintessential sad sack song in history, "Mr. Cellophane."

7. Milton Waddams

The biggest scene-stealer in a movie full of quirky characters, Office Space's Milton is the office sad sack, going unnoticed for most of the film, only to unwittingly set in motion the deux ex machina of the story's resolution when he burns the building down and destroys the evidence of Peter's crime. And even then, no one noticed him or ever suspected Milton was capable of that. Milton just bumbles around for most of the movie, allowing himself to be shoved in cramped cubicles and not standing up for himself. It is only when his beloved stapler is stolen that Milton finally snaps and does what every sad sack really wants to do--burn everything to the ground!

6. Kif Kroker

The scrawny, put-upon assistant to playboy space captain, Zapp Brannigan, Kif knows what it's like to be ill-fated. If you had to cater to the burly, self-indulged, idiotic Brannigan, knowing you're smarter and nobler than him, you'd probably be as downtrodden as Kif too. What makes Kif particularly wretched is that he never stands up for himself against Brannigan, and would probably be ignored if he ever tried. What doesn't make Kif wretched is that he's got a hot girlfriend, but the fact that his uber-girly significant other still makes Kif look like the feminine half of the pair bounces him right back to sad sack.

5. Gil Gunderson

From Matt Groening's more popular show, "The Simpsons", Gil is practically the embodiment of hard luck, and he's taken that title going on twenty years here. Gil can never seem to catch a break, bouncing from one job to another and lacking the confidence and luck to excel in any field. Given it's long history, the show actually found time to allow Gil a whole episode to himself, during which we found out much of Gil's misfortune was his own lazy fault, but that doesn't remove all sympathy. Nobody embraces the definition of sad sack better than old Gil.

4. Ted Buckland

Ted, the lawyer and Bob Kelso's own personal lapdog from "Scrubs" is one of my favorite sad sacks. One might say he brings it on himself by letting people walk all over him, but really, if I followed Bob Kelso around for over a decade protecting his ungrateful ass from lawsuits, I'd probably be as haggard as Ted too. It has been shown that Ted's balding is entirely due to his job, which he can't even do very well. Ted has moments where he stands up for himself, and in this past season, he finally got a cute girl, but there are far more hard luck moments for Ted. Nobody says it better than Ted himself:

3. Toby Flenderson

Toby is probably my favorite on this whole list, despite not being first. He's a hapless, miserable Human Resources head responsible for curbing Michael Scott's inappropriate antics, and if that alone doesn't make him sympathetic and pitiable, there's also the matter of his divorce, which Michael never lets him forget, and his never-gonna-happen crush on Pam, which is almost embarrassing to watch. Toby is such a sweet guy and a good father, but the world never lets him forget that he's on the bottom. Michael, especially, never lets Toby forget where he stands, making sure Toby is the butt of some of the cruelest jokes I've ever heard. Michael loathes Toby, and even had a party when Toby left briefly, pretending it was a going away party, but really the party was for everyone else. When Toby returned, Michael started screaming his hatred. Hilarious, yes, but poor Toby just looks so sad all of the time that it's all I have not to reach out and give the guy a hug.

2. Eeyore

Eeyore is my reason for creating this list, and I don't think he requires much explanation as to why he's high on it. He's a depressed, downtrodden donkey whose tail constantly falls off, and whose raincloud is both figurative and sometimes literal. He first established himself as the miserable creature he is when his friends forgot his birthday, but he earned our love when he looked at the subpar gifts those same friends finally delivered to him, smiled, and declared it was a good birthday after all. The only reason he's not number 1 on this list, is because he can kind of be a downer, even when nothing calls for it, and sort of brings the moodiness on himself.

1. Scrat

My favorite animated character of all time, Scrat has had three movies (and several short films) now where he carries the hard luck gene. This ill-fated prehistoric squirrel never catches a break, and all in pursuit of his precious acorn. Scrat won my attentions eight years ago in the first Ice Age trailer that aired before Jurassic Park 3 in the summer of 2001. My friends and I watched and re-watched that trailer COUNTLESS times in until the film's release in 2002. Poor Scrat wasn't in every scene, but every scene he was in recounted his tales of woe while trying to secure his acorn. But he could just never seem to hold onto the nut, and at the end of the second movie Scrat actually DIED protecting it! Thankfully he was revived by Sid in order to have more mishaps in the upcoming third installment, but Scrat didn't see that as positive, considering he was just inches away from Acorn Heaven when Sid snatched him right back into reality. Scrat truly is the saddest of sad sacks, and I love him for it.

Top 15 Songs It's Fun to Sing Along With in Big Groups

2009-06-24T23:13:23Z

If you haven't participated in a rousing round of at least ONE of the songs on this list at least ONCE in your life, then I truly feel sorry for you because you have yet to live. I'm sorry, but it's the God-given truth. These are fifteen songs you just can't help but join in on. It doesn't matter if you don't know all the lyrics, or horribly misheard them... if everybody's singing, nobody will notice anyway.

15. "Hey Ya" by Outkast
Sneaking in onto the bottom of my list is the most-listened-to R&B duo in recent times, Outkast, with a song that I firmly believe it's damn-near-impossible to hate. It's cheerful and fun, and may be more fun to dance to than to sing along with, but while you're up there 'shaking it like a polaroid picture' you might as well sing along, because the words are pretty simple...

14. "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers
It's a testament to the power of this song's chorus that no one knows the song is actually called "I'm Gonna Be" because all anybody remembers is the lead singer's strong Scottish accent singing "five hundrayd miles!" with extra emphasis on the last word, turning it into a multi-syllabic word like no one else could. You probably aren't likely to hear this song in many bars past the 90's when the Proclaimers' one U.S. hit hit the radios, but I bet you all still remember most of the words!

13. "All Star" by Smash Mouth
I may be biased on this one, because when this song came out, I was 13, in eighth grade, kind of a geek and a HUGE wallflower, but I had great friends to share this tune with so I didn't care. In my opinion nothing screams 'Proud Loser' better than the first few lines of this song. My friends and I ADORED this song for that whole year. They may remember it differently, but to me, it's an anthem of our youth and a time I like remembering, so I still sing along with it today. The fact that it's catchy and fun means I usually have company when this song comes on the radio.

12. "Why Don't You Get A Job" by The Offspring
Some songs are fun to shout at the top of your lungs because they are essentially a giant "FUCK YOU" to anyone who had screwed you over, and The Offspring's 90's hit is on this list for that precise reason. It was either this song or "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" because anyone who was a kid in the 90's knew both of these songs well, but this one won out because singing it with friends offers the opportunity to shout "And he hates that BITCH!" The words are simple, the message is clear, and even the video features hundreds of people gathering together in an impromptu parade to stick it to mooches and hangers-on in their lives, proudly proclaiming that they're not going to take it anymore.

11. "Bad Moon on the Rise" by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Everyone in my family sings along with this song when it comes on the radio (which it did on average about 10 times a week in the 1990's), but we always replace "bad moon on the rise" with the obligatory "bathroom on the right", singing our errors at the top of our lungs, because, really, why the hell not? It's clearly more fun that way.

10. "Hey Jude" by The Beatles
I feel this song may have more power after 2007's Across the Universe musical, and there's no doubt the movie used this song exceedingly well, but even before that, it was one of the most powerful Beatles songs (and there are so many there to choose from...). I like to think this song is the most fun to sing along with because it has this crescendo that is to die for that explodes into this amazing well-written finale, but to be honest I think people like singing along with this song because more than half of the 7-minute song is composed of 'na-na-na-nahhhhs' that just BEG to be sung with your arm around your buddy's shoulders and the other sloshing around a pint. As I'm sure The Beatles intended.

("Hey Jude" from Across the Universe)

9. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Tammi Terrell and Marvin Gaye
I blame either the movie Stepmom or the movie Sister Act 2 for this song being so much fun to sing with in groups, though it's been used to great effect in lots of on-screen ventures (see this year's Budweiser Clydesdale commercials during the Super Bowl for one reference). If ever there was a song that made me feel so damn good to sing out loud, it's this one. Props if you give yourself an invisible microphone to croon into while you're dancing around like a silly fool.

(Sister Act 2)

(Stepmom)

8. "She Fucking Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd
Older generations would balk at the idea of this song on my list, but if you're under thirty, chances are you know this song fairly well... or at least enough of it to sing along with the chorus. And really, nothing beats cursing loudly and frequently in song. But this isn't just a good song to sing if you're angry and need to blow off some steam. It really is a lot of fun, but it helps if you bang your head a little when you're singing along. It's the kind of song you really gotta get into, but the good news is it's not hard!

7. "Come Sail Away" by Styx
Eric Cartman really knew what he was talking about when he said he could never hear the first few words of "Come Sail Away" without singing the whole song. It's a song that really invites you in and once you're in, you can't get out. It's one of the best 70's power ballads and probably their biggest hit. Listening to it really feels like you're coming to the end of something big, which is probably why Dennis DeYoung always finishes out with this song at concerts.

6. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor
This is really more of a gal's sing-a-long, as the lyrics have been commonly interpreted as a representation of female empowerment. It's another one of those songs that make you want to dance around all silly, singing into the end of your hairbrush. It was released in the late 1970's and is really the best choice if you're looking for a throwback to the disco era. It's been covered and remixed tons of times because it never gets old.

5. "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks
Nobody does rousing, drunken sing-a-longs like country music stars, and Garth Brooks has really turned it into an art. "Friends in Low Places" is actually better to hear live than it is recorded because he really gets the entire audience involved in the song. People who know me know my general disdain for most country music, so to say that this is one song I would kill to hear live is really something. Much like "She Fucking Hates Me" or "All Star", it's a song that delights in the sad sack complexities of life in an effort to expel what's getting you down, so it's easy to see why everyone loves to sing along and nobody forgets the words.

4. "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
She's just a small town girl... living in a lonely world! She took the midnight train going anywhere. He's just a small town boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere... I think that pretty much sums it up. This is probably the most popular 80's power ballad ever, as evidenced by its appearance in... pretty much every TV show and movie known to man.

(Cast singing "Don't Stop Believing" on this fall's Glee. This will probably be deleted soon...)

3. "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Even if you hate country music, chances are you adore "Sweet Home Alabama." Maybe it's just the redneck in me coming out but I can't listen to this song without singing along. It's a great song for camping and an even greater song for summer. It was so popular, they made a whole Reese Witherspoon movie out of it and the song along saved the movie from obscurity. It was so popular, Kid Rock made a whole homage to it that basically just used all the same chords and music with different words and nobody noticed or cared! Yes, it's that awesome.

2. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
Every time we have heard this song on the radio since the year 1992, it has been customary to sing along in Casa de Gheldof. Or should I say Coche de Gheldof? Since the attributed reason is the movie Wayne's World, which featured Wayne and Garth headbanging to this song in their car. Hard to believe my mom actually took some permanent aspect of her personality from THAT movie, of all movies, but every time we hit the three-minute mark of that song (a.k.a. "I see a little silhouetto of a man...") my mom cranks the radio to eleven and proceeds to headbang at the guitar-portion. Yes, my mom is that lame. And yes, I am that lame with her. Even though I do not know all the lyrics (I'd be hard-pressed to find someone who CAN decipher by ear everything that comes out of Freddie Mercury's mouth) this is still my second favorite song to croon along with in groups.

1. "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond
Yes, nothing says 'Please join in!' like Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline." There's no way I can hear this song without thinking of a bar-ful of drunk people screaming "OH-OH-OH!" terribly off-key and at the top of their lungs. There's just something about this song that appeals to crowds. You don't have to be drunk to enjoy the lounge singer's best tune, but it certainly helps. Actually, I'm sure it helps for ANY of the songs on this list if you're just a little bit sloshed when you pitch your voice into the fray. I've heard plenty of covers of this song and you know what? It just works, no matter who is singing it, because everyone knows the words. As soon as you hear it start, your ears just perk up, like 'Oh?! What is that I hear?!' Nobody will respond at first but then you hit that chorus and the whole bar will join in and you're so shocked because you didn't think anyone else was paying attention, but they were all along. :)

(Guster singing a live "Sweet Caroline")

Honorable Mention: "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind. Because for anyone who saw Jim Carrey's Yes Man, we now know that everyone does, in fact, know the words to that song, and singing along may actually save a life! ;)

Top 10 Favorite TV Dads

2009-06-22T06:36:04Z

In honor of Father's Day (I know, it's a little late now, but gimme a break. I was spending the day with my dad and grandpa!), my list of favorite TV dads. Not necessarily the best TV dads I've ever been familiar with.. just my favorites.

10.
Character: Alan Matthews
Show: Boy Meets World
Played by: William Russ

What can I say? He was like the quintessential TV dad for after-school specials: a smart, decent, family man with a strong, supportive wife heading up a household of quirky kids. He was always there for his kids and had a sense of humor to boot, but he wasn't the most memorable to me, so he makes it in only on the end of this list. I like to think he shares this spot with Mr. Cunningham, from Happy Days, and Carl Winslow from Family Matters, because all 3 were honorable family men from after-school-special-type-shows that acted as father figures not only to their own kids but to their kids' friends.

9.
Character: Phil Margera
Show: Jackass, Viva La Bam
Played by: Phil Margera

My only non-character on the list, Phil Margera really deserves to be here. He gets pelted with things on a regular basis, has his home invaded by rowdy 20-somethings, his vehicles wrecked, his vacations ruined, and even had to put up with a forced diet once when his son went around town warning everybody to not feed him. Granted, he wouldn't have a nice house or car or go on all those swanky vacations if his son hadn't made his unfortunate parents the victims of his torments almost a decade ago. Personally, I think that Phil and April Margera secretly love the redneck antics they pretend to loathe on the show, because it's made them filthy rich. Phil and Ape just seem like cool parents, and Phil gets serious #1 Dad cred alone for raising Bam Margera without beating the hell out of him.

8.
Character: Philip Banks
Show: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Played by: James Avery

I actually had an Uncle Phil in the 90s, but seeing as he's lived in Arizona my whole life and divorced my aunt years ago, I actually know Fresh Prince's Uncle Phil better than my own, sadly enough. He's gruff, he's no-nonsense, he's stingy, he's always frowning, and he often loses his temper, but if I had a houseful of kids like his, I probably would not be too jolly myself. Nonetheless, Phil was an honorable and upstanding man, who welcomed his nephew into his house like he was his own son and that earns some respect!

7.
Character: Homer Simpson
Show: The Simpsons
Played by: Dan Castellaneta

Sure, he's a fat, lazy, stupid drunk who occasionally strangles his son, but you all know you love Homer Simpson! Face it, when it comes right down to it, Homer Simpson is capable of being the best dad in the world, and it's been proven plenty of times over the past 20 years that he loves his family. He's also the only animated dad in my top 10.

6.
Character: Michael Bluth
Show: Arrested Development
Played by: Jason Bateman

Actually, both generations of Bluth fathers should be on my list, but only Michael Bluth really deserves it, since George Bluth is sort of an abysmal father who raised most of his children incredibly poorly, and it's only a fluke that Michael Bluth turned out alright! Still, George Bluth is hysterical, and everything he did really was for his family. Michael is the one we love to see though, struggling to provide a decent upbringing for his son amidst the hopeless insanity and selfishness of his family, and despite an awkward crush on his maybe-cousin-Maebe, I think we can all agree that George-Michael turned out pretty damn alright, so Michael must have been doing something right!

5.
Character: Sandy Cohen
Show: The OC
Played by: Peter Gallagher

Sandy Cohen was an idealistic lawyer who took a hapless kid from the wrong side of the tracks into his Newport home on a whim and made him one of the family. There was never a doubt in our mind or his that it would 100% pay off; clearly Sandy had some serious 'dad intuition' going on. He saw the best in people and he brought out the best usually. By the end of the show he had raised two decent sons and just started to raise a daughter, whom he would no doubt have spoiled. He was a center of moral guidance with a commanding presence, due partially to Peter Gallagher's imposing manly eyebrows, but he wasn't immune to the embarrassments of 'My Dad is So Lame' syndrome, and that made him endearing.

Sandy: Since the minute you were born, I knew I would never take another easy breath without knowing you were alright.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?

Sandy: Eyebrows are a sign of power, you know.
Seth: Then you must be the most powerful man on Earth.

4.
Character: Henry Spencer
Show: Psych
Played by: Corbin Bernsen

Seeing the Henry and Shawn father-son relationship develop over the course of the show has been one of the chief delights in watching. These two obviously had a fractured relationship before the show, but watching them interact you could hardly tell they were ever apart, they fit together so well. Henry is the no-nonsense worrier and former cop to his son's irresponsible wild card and they really warm to each other after getting over their differences, but they still keep the banter alive. Henry truly worries about and cares for his son, even harboring a 'dad crush' on Shawn by keeping clippings of his crime-solving successes secretly. He had Shawn's motorcycle towed after his son was in an accident, and while it may not be the most responsible way to respond, it proves he will do anything to protect his only kid.

Shawn: Gus, Henry vouched for me.
Henry: I did not vouch for you.
Shawn: You were bragging on me. You have a Dad-crush on me.
Henry: Shawn, I was not bragging on you! I merely restated stats about your track record that are in the newspaper.
Shawn: Let's hug it out.
Henry: Put your arms down.
Shawn: Give me a hug.

Henry: I'm your dad! Don't call me 'dude'!

3.
Character: Hal Wilkerson
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Played by: Bryan Cranston

Though he may not be the most responsible, wise, or admirable man on my list, I have to give kudos to Hal for elevating himself to my favorite character over the course of this show. He's just something else. He starts off as a somewhat conventional father figure--occasionally stern, more often the 'good cop' to Lois's very, very bad/psychotic cop, a little foolish, hapless, maybe a little powerless. More layers are revealed as the show progresses. Hal seemed like the better parent in the eyes of his kids, but the more we see of his fleeting obsessions, his nuances and compulsions, his admiration for his wild youth, long past but still right there in his mind, and his utter inability to discipline his wild children, the more you realize the naughty Wilkerson boys are a product of both parents, not just their overbearing mother. Hal is just plain hilarious, but he'll do ANYTHING for his family, and his kids are ultimately good people, so he must have been doing something right.

Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, 'cause at least he got to be on TV.

Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think, somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways.
Malcolm: Trust me, dad, they're all looking down on us.

2.
Character: Red Forman
Show: That 70's Show
Played by: Kurtwood Smith

Of all the shows that featured put-upon fathers raising the whole neighborhood in addition to their own kids, Red Forman is probably my favorite. In a show where half of his son Eric's friends had at least one parent that abandoned them, Red unwittingly became a father figure to them all. It started with Hyde, whose absentee father and drunk mother both abandoned him, leaving him with no place to go but the Formans, who were already struggling with money. Donna's mother took off, and Jackie's dad ended up in jail and her mother took off. Fez was already there as a foreign exchange student, and he completed the transition to 'Honorary Forman' when he drunkenly married Red's spoiled slutty daughter Laurie. Red was short-tempered, constantly angry, loved the word 'dumbass' and the phrase 'foot up your ass', and always complained about how his house full of stray kids was keeping him from buying the dream car he'd always wanted, but he never hesitated to help those kids out by being their father, so he is truly awesome.

Red: If the U.S. Government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say 'Thank you!' and 'God bless America!'

Red: Look, Eric. You know I'd love to help Steven; I'm a giver. But you can't squeeze blood from a stone, son.
Kitty: Well you know, we could--we could just pop over there just to check up on him--
Red: No I am not going over there. That is final. I am not Santa Claus!
Kitty: Well thank God you're not Santa Claus, Red. You'd scare the hell out of children!
(later)
Red: God [bleep] dammit! I am tired of being [bleep] Santa Claus! Steven, you get your [bleep] together, and you get your ass in the [bleep] car. We're going. [bleep] Now, [bleep]dammit. Move it!
Hyde: (terrified) Okay!
Kitty: You are just the sweetest man alive! (leaves)
Red: (alone, shakes fists in the air) [BLEEP]

(If I had video of just this scene, I would post it. It's so classic it's practically iconic. Unfortunately all I could find is the whole episode on YouTube)

1.
Character: Tim Taylor
Show: Home Improvement
Played by: Tim Allen

One of the reasons I love "Malcolm in the Middle" is for its similarities to my own family; the same was true of "Home Improvement" in the 1990's, during its hey-day. Growing up, I always felt like the Taylors were more like my family than any other sitcom family out there. They had a sense of humor, they were sarcastic, there was an intelligent, smart-alec kid, the mom was totally in charge... and the dad was totally accident prone. They were perhaps a little more white-washed than my family, to fit with TV standards, but they always felt so real, and it helped that they were Michiganders too. I loved watching his hapless attempts to connect with his kids, I loved his fence talks with Wilson, and his disatrous misinterpretations of his neighbor's advice when regurgitating it to his family, I loved his snarkiness aimed at poor Al, I loved that he wore Michigan college sweatshirts (and was totally psyched when, years later, I saw him with an Aquinas shirt!) Tim Taylor will always be one of the best TV dads out there, and any one I see today would be hard-pressed to compete with him.

Tim: Well, although we all can't be as spooky as Al, we can carve some pretty good jack o'lanterns.
Al: That's right; as the audience can see, I'm all finished with mine.
[he turns it on, and it's a picture of Bob Vila; the audience applauds]
Tim: Yeah, yeah; well, I could spend long boring hours chiseling it out with these, or I could put some excitement into the pumpkin-carving process - I would use what?
Crowd: MORE POWER!
Tim: You're darn right, more power; I've already chunked and chiseled this baby out, and now all I need is a small explosion to knock the pieces out.

Randy: Why does bad stuff always happen to me?
Tim: Hey, don't worry. Bad stuff happens to me all the time.
Randy: Yeah but you cause it!

Tim: I'm addicted to cars.
Jill: Well, duh.
Tim: I'm thinking of checking into the Henry Ford Clinic.

Honorable Mentions
(a.k.a. Actually, these dads are quite horrible, but I love them anyway)

- Ken Titus [Titus] played by Stacy Keach
He's a horrible drunk who raised two irretrievably stupid sons through fear and scare tactics and his favorite buzz phrase is 'Don't be a wussy!' but God love him, he's so funny to watch.

- Randy Marsh [South Park] played by Trey Parker
Every single parent on South Park is subject to the Stupid Parent rule. It's amazing any of those kids are alive with parents like those, but it's no wonder they get in so much trouble. Thank God they have more sense than their parents. Stan is my favorite just because he's so unbelievably stupid, it's too good to pass up.

- John Winchester [Supernatural] played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan
He's one fine lookin' daddy with two even-better-looking sons, but GOD what an awful father. Still, you gotta love the man, despite all the crap he put his kids through. If not for him, we wouldn't have the Winchester brothers we know and love.

- Walter White [Breaking Bad] played by Bryan Cranston
Hey, Bryan's on here twice! Quite the opposite of Hal, Walt is a brilliant man who finds himself in deep. The deeper he goes, the less human he acts, the more horrible a father he becomes to his son Walt Jr., but something must be said for his actions. He never would have gotten into dealing meth and leading the increasingly malicious lifestyle he's adopted if it were not for his innate need to support and secure the future of his family. Go Walt!

Another List (Just For Fun!)

2009-06-16T19:33:41Z

Top 25 "Funny Guys" and Scene-Stealers in TV and Film
(a.k.a. "Sorry for ruining everyone's Friends pages!")

I've been lucky enough to see a lot of movies so far this summer, thanks to David (without whom I would not be going to the cinema, given the economy's unfortunate effect on me...); because of a lot of recurring faces popping up, I decided to make a list of my 25 favorite 'funny guys' that pop up everywhere in comedies and dramas. They may not all be leading men, they may not be the reasons a movie succeeds, but in the shitty movies, they may be the only reasons to watch for the entire two hours, and sometimes their presence is what draws me to a film or TV show. In fact, one show this fall includes two of the guys on my list, and I will probably watch for them first and foremost.

Now, I wanted to do more supporting actors and cameo stars, so the following will be excluded from my list, as I deem they are either known for something other than comedy or are considered 'Leading Man' status. You may disagree with some that I've left off (or put on) but it's my list so I've taken some creative liberties, as usual.

[Jack Black, Zach Braff, Steve Carrell, Jim Carrey, Robert Downey Jr., Will Ferrell, Seth Green, Jason Lee, Ryan Reynolds, The Rock, Adam Sandler, Will Smith, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robin Williams, Owen Wilson]

I included a list of roles I like by these actors, but if anyone has any suggestions of other 'scene-stealing' roles they might have played, I'd absolutely appreciate it! Believe it or not, there's a LOT I haven't seen!

25. Steve Zahn

TOP ROLES - Reality Bites, That Thing You Do!, Chicken Little, Rescue Dawn, Riding in Cars with Boys, Daddy Day Care, Dr. Dolittle 2, Joy Ride, "Monk"

I never really paid attention to this guy when I was younger but he just keeps showing up everywhere and the more I see him the more I'm starting to like him. There are 2 reasons he's not higher up on the list: 1) he picks a lot of shitty movies and dumb redneck roles that don't do enough to endear him to the viewer and 2) he is starting to diversify his roles more and more and I actually prefer him in dramatic roles these days (like Rescue Dawn). I don't watch Monk but I watched Zahn's episode as Monk's brother when I found out who played him and I enjoyed it. I hope he shows up again before the show ends.

24. Michael Weston

TOP ROLES - The Last Kiss, Garden State, "Scrubs", "Psych", "Supernatural", "House", The Dukes of Hazzard

I am somewhere in between kinda digging and totally in love with this guy. He just keeps showing up everywhere, and there's gotta be some kind of reward for showing up in guest roles on my trifecta of favorite shows on television right now [Scrubs, Psych and Supernatural]. Seriously, every time I see him I get excited. His recurring role on "Scrubs" was touching and memorable and even though he was only in one episode of "Psych" he was so goddamn a-dork-able that I am crossing my fingers for him to show up again. He's friends with Zach Braff (and apart from Scrubs has appeared in two of Zach's movies where he is used equally well) so I hope we continue to see more of both of them. He'd be higher up the list but I kind of hope he goes the 'dramedic' route like Zach because he's got the dramatic pull, though I could just be distracted staring into his pretty, blue, sad eyes. ;)

23. David Koechner

TOP ROLES - Anchorman, Snakes on a Plane, "The Office", Waiting..., The Dukes of Hazzard, Thank You For Smoking, Get Smart

I'm sure this guy had a career before Anchorman but... eh... The Texas funnyman with the unmistakable drawl may be Will Ferrell's lapdog in his unfunniest movies but I still like him. I don't think he'll ever be Leading Man material but maybe that's because he's best in small doses. Every time he showed up I used to think 'Hey! It's THAT guy!' but post-Snakes on a Plane, where he stole the show in his few scenes as the obviously-doomed co-pilot ("This plane is goin' down faster than a Thai hooker!"), he got promoted to David Koechner.

22. John Francis Daley

TOP ROLES - "Kitchen Confidential", "Freaks and Geeks", Waiting..., "Bones"

I like this guy. He's such a complete dork, which is why he was perfect for "Freaks and Geeks" way back before anyone knew who he was. Unfortunately, he may have been typecast from the start, but in the meantime, I'm enjyoing the a-dork-ableness. He was one of my favorite parts about "Kitchen Confidential" and when he showed in Waiting... immediately afterward in what seemed to be an identical role, it may have seemed old, but when his character in the latter grew a backbone in the last five minutes of the film and pretty much stole the entire show, all was forgiven. I don't watch "Bones" but I've seen him on it and he seems like the only thing that would potentially ever get me to watch (though I won't). I hope I see him in more, even he's playing the same guy.

21. Jay Chandrasekhar

TOP ROLES - Super Troopers, Beerfest, Club Dread, Dukes of Hazzard, Jackass 2

Well he won't ever be winning an Emmy, but damn it if he doesn't make me giggle when he's on screen. His acting history is pretty much limited to his own movies so obviously he's best when directing himself. He even directed the better-than-it-gets-credit-for Dukes of Hazzard remake, which I flove if only for the Super Troopers homage. He's directed episodes of a lot of my favorite shows too, like Psych, Arrested Development, and Andy Richter CTU. This summer he's directing and guesting in an episode of Psych which I know I'll love. And who can ever forget his appearance in Jackass 2 in what was undoubtedly the best skit in the whole dumb movie. He and his troupe of actors/friends that make up Broken Lizard are releasing another movie this year, the Slammin' Salmon, which I hope lives up to Super Troopers and Beerfest.

20. Steve Coogan

TOP ROLES - Night at the Museum 1 & 2, Tropic Thunder, Around the World in 80 Days,

I had to put this guy on here because I have a feeling I've only seen the tip of the iceberg of his funnyness. His small part in Tropic Thunder was memorable for reasons I won't state here, and I love Octavius in the Night at the Museum movies. I would like to see him in more. Hamlet 2 looked like it could either be awful or hysterical but I haven't seen it yet. If anyone could recommend some of his best parts, in film or on TV, that would be great.

19. Vinnie Jones

TOP ROLES - Snatch, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Eurotrip, X-Men The Last Stand, Gone in 60 Seconds

The guy would be nowhere without Guy Ritchie (and Jason Statham too for that matter). He and Statham were Ritchie's two favorite guys in his two best movies and it's no wonder why his career blew up in the last 10 years. He's six feet two inches of sheer badassery, but he's on the list because he's also capable of bringing the funny, perhaps just as much if not more than Statham (who doesn't appear on my list, because let's face it, while Jason's funny, he's really more of an action man). Vinnie Jones often shows up either as silent villains, angry antiheroes, or a one-off comedic cameo, in Eurotrip where he stole the scene as the crazed footballer for Manchester United, crushing a can on his forehead and participating in a rousing rendition of "Morning Train (9 to 5)."

18. Dominic Monaghan

TOP ROLES - Lord of the Rings, "Lost", "Chuck", X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I'm not sure what came first: deciding Dominic was 20 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag, or deciding Merry was my favorite hobbit, but perhaps the decisions influenced each other. In any case, silly and unassuming but earnest and noble Merry is probably my favorite person in the films, and Dom is one of my favorite actors to follow. I watched "Lost" as long as I could and even though I stopped before Dom left, I probably won't ever go back knowing his ultimate fate (fucking show...). Dom had a tiny role (barely a cameo) in Wolverine's movie this summer that did NOT do him justice, much UNlike his one-off appearance on "Chuck" as a "Lost"-esque drugged out British rockstar that had me rolling in the funny. He will be returning to ABC this fall on the show "Flash Forward" which I was going to watch even before I heard he would be on it, but really, what a bonus! But I'm leaving out his most hysterical work: how could we ever forget the Lord of the Rings easter egg with Elijah Wood? "Zee dolphin? Is DEAD!"

17. Seann William Scott

TOP ROLES - The Rundown, Dukes of Hazzard, Dude Where's My Car?, Role Models, Mr. Woodcock, Bulletproof Monk, Ice Age 2 & 3, Final Destination, Southland Tales, Evolution

Seann probably shouldn't be on this list because he is, for all intents and purposes, relatively high-profile, yet he never seems to carry a movie on his own. He is ALWAYS teamed with someone bigger than him, which is alright, because he really works best on teams. He has played second fiddle to Johnny Knoxville, The Rock (twice), Jason Biggs (three times), Paul Rudd, Ashton Kutcher, Chow Yun Fat, David Duchovny and Billy Bob Thornton, but he ALWAYS stands out, in my humble opinion. I've never seen the American Pie movies, so I can't say much about his humble beginnings as Stifler. The first thing I ever saw him in was Final Destination as the hapless idiot, Billy, who had half his face torn off by a passing train. Good times...

16. Elliot Gould

TOP ROLES - Ocean's 11, 12, & 13, M*A*S*H, "Friends"

To be honest, Elliot Gould is only on here for the above listed roles, because that's all I've seen him in. I really need to see more of his big movies because he always brings the funny. I always loved when he showed up on Friends as Monica and Ross's dad, and Reuben Tishkoff was one of my favorite of Ocean's original eleven. Then of course he was the original Trapper in the M*A*S*H movie, not necessarily superior to the TV show but still awesome.

15. John Cho

TOP ROLES - "Kitchen Confidential", Harold and Kumar 1 & 2, Star Trek

The guy is too funny, and as I always hope to see him in more, it makes me incredibly happy to see him co-star in this fall's "Flash Forward" right alongside Dominic Monaghan. TWO good reasons to watch. He shared the funny with Kal Penn in the Harold and Kumar series, which I hope to see more of, but John has had more comedic roles post-White Castle, IMO. My favorite role so far has to be egoist and seafood chef extraordinaire, Teddy, from "Kitchen Confidential," though he wasn't in every episode. He was also awesome as Sulu in Star Trek. I think his youthfulness and comedic timing will definitely aid him in the future; this guy still looks like he's 25 when in fact he's 37. O_O

14. Adam Goldberg

TOP ROLES - "Friends", "The Unusuals", Deja Vu, Dazed and Confused, Saving Private Ryan, Zodiac

Adam Goldberg has been around for a long time but only recently have I taken notice because until recently he was only known for one of his 2 archetypal roles: the stereotypical Jewish guy and the high-strung, short-tempered crazy spaz. It's the latter of which I came to be familiar with first on "Friends" when he played Chandler's crazy roommate Eddie for a few episodes back in the 90's. Since then he's diversified his roles more, but he often gets cast as the comic relief. Playing that role in Denzel's 2006 movie Deja Vu, Goldberg stole all the scenes he was in right from under Denzel's nose. Most recently he played odd lone wolf Detective Eric Delahoy in the short-lived "The Unusuals" (fuck you very much ABC), making me finally realize that he could play characters who alternately make me want to laugh and cry, and solidifying his place on my list of actors to watch out for in the future.

13. Tim Curry

TOP ROLES - Clue, "Psych", The Three Musketeers, Muppet Treasure Island,

I think Tim Curry snaked his way high onto this list despite being in tons of shitty movies because he's just got such a commanding presence. It's that voice, those eyes, and the ... sheer... Britishness of Tim that make him a delight every time he shows up somewhere. Though he will always be Wadsworth from Clue to me, that is not necessarily a bad thing. I was not especially fond of the first episode of Psych's second season where Tim guested... until the second or third time I watched it, when Tim Curry alone made that episode elevate to one of my favorites. He is infinitely quotable and so fun, too! Seriously, try it!

12. Jeffrey Tambor

TOP ROLES - "Arrested Development", Hellboy 1 & 2, Eurotrip, The Hangover, Heavyweights

I didn't know it at the time, but Jeffrey Tambor has been kicking ass since my childhood when he was an apathetic dad in one of my favorite childhood movies, Heavyweights (which also featured an uncredited Ben Stiler as the villain. Good times.) I didn't start noticing Tambor until "Arrested Development" where he played the patriarchal, anti-heroic George Bluth Sr. Since it's cancellation he has played bit parts in movies, such as the stuffy director Tom Manning in the Hellboy franchise, or more apathetic dads in The Hangover ("What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... except Herpes. That shit'll come back with you.") and Eurotrip ("Where's Scotty?" "Fuck if I know!"). His look and voice are unmistakable, so I will only continue to notice him in the future when he shows up randomly to steal scenes.

11. Jason Bateman

TOP ROLES - "Arrested Development", The Ex, Hancock, The Kingdom, Juno, Smokin' Aces, Dodgeball

Right on the heels of his TV dad, Jason Bateman (who played beleaguered prodigal son, Michael Bluth, on "Arrested Development") earns a spot on my list, though he probably shouldn't be here, since he's a pretty big star. Nonetheless he has this habit of showing up in movies where he's not the main character and being my favorite thing about the movie. He has a tendency to play either skeevy assholes or altruistic nice guys with a sarcastic streak (I think that sarcastic streak is a Bateman trait he just can't weed out of his roles). I prefer the latter, as in AD, Hancock and The Kingdom, but it's pretty fun to see him playing an irredeemable asshole too.

10. Bill Nighy

TOP ROLES - Love Actually, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Flushed Away, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Constant Gardener

Bill Nighy is one cool Brit, and he plays some pretty unforgettable characters, my favorite being rowdy, aging rock star Billy Mack in Love Actually, who tortures his poor manager Joe for the length of the film before admitting he loves him dearly as a friend. Aww! He often plays roles that aren't very nice, because he pulls off sass so well, like Shaun's stepdad in Shaun of the Dead, or the Chief Inspector in Hot Fuzz. He is probably most well-known as Davy Jones in the Pirates movies, or for being the number 2 Go-To snarky older British gentleman (after Alan Rickman). I'm looking forward to seeing him in The Boat that Rocked this summer.

9. Bradley Cooper

TOP ROLES - "Kitchen Confidential", "Alias", The Hangover, I Want to Marry Ryan Banks, Failure to Launch, Yes Man, The Wedding Crashers, He's Just Not That Into You, "Nip/Tuck"

Brad's up pretty far on this list because with the unexpected success of The Hangover, I believe he's going to be huge, and I'd just like to say that I've been on his side from the very start! He's known for playing assholes in film, so I find it rather jarring that his first big role for me was the sweet, earnest, bff extraordinaire, Will Tippin, from "Alias." He always stood in the shadow of sexy, French heartthrob Michael Vartan on that show, so I find it rather amusing that his career seems to be going better than that guy's. I sort of liked Brad when he was on "Alias" but I declared my undying devotion to him when he took on the lead role of Jack Bourdain in the CRIMINALLY short-lived "Kitchen Confidential" (which, if you're keeping score, starred THREE people from my list!), where he brought on the sexy and funny like he never was able to when he was plucky reporter Will Tippin (not that I didn't love the pluckiness!) He's found a niche as outspoken assholes but I hope he doesn't forget the nice guy roles because he does that so well. Oh, if you don't believe me when I say this guy is FUNNY (or SEXY for that matter) then watch this clip of his guest role on "Nip/Tuck" where he plays an actor playing a doctor.

8. Justin Long

TOP ROLES - Waiting..., Live Free or Die Hard, Dodgeball, Accepted, He's Just Not That Into You, Jeepers Creepers, Idiocracy, The Break Up, Drag Me To Hell

This is another one I debated striking from the list, because he's gaining notoriety in lead roles of late, but I decided to include him because he still shows up in cameos a lot. He's got serious slacker cred with roles like in Waiting and Accepted, but he also provides a lighter side in horror and action movies. Jeepers Creepers was shitty and Drag Me To Hell was 'meh' but Justin Long steals the show as the nice guy, which is one of his two archetypes, the other being dickish dork. I still maintain that his small role as Jennifer Aniston's gay receptionist in The Break Up was the ONLY THING worth watching about that entire painful movie. Also, he has the only line I remember from He's Just Not That Into You. I should despise him for giving PCs a bad name, but I actually don't! I love him in those damn Mac vs. PC commercials, and I don't even give a shit about Macs. Face it, you know you love him. :)

7. Dax Shepard

TOP ROLES - Without a Paddle, "Punk'd", Zathura, Idiocracy, Let's Go to Prison, Employee of the Month

With the possible exception of Without a Paddle, Dax has yet to do a truly good movie. I love Without a Paddle for the silly buddy caper it is, but it's not well-received, and admittedly it could have been better written. That said, it was one of Dax's first movies after having to quit "Punk'd" (where he was one of Ashton's first actors), and I liked him well enough to keep watching the redneck funny guy. He's only up this high on the list because he manages to be the only likeable thing about otherwise terrible movies like Idiocracy and Employee of the Month. I hope to see more of him... just in better movies this time, please!

6. Paul Rudd

TOP ROLES - "Friends", Anchorman, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Role Models, Knocked Up, The Baxter, Monsters vs. Aliens, Reno 911: Miami, Clueless, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Romeo + Juliet

I... don't even know where to begin with this guy. He just rocks in everything he does, and he really does show up everywhere. He is charismatic and likeable, even when he's being a sarcastic douche bag! He's got the apathetic drawl thing down pat, especially in "Friends", Role Models, and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. He was a great character in that final season of "Friends" as Phoebe's accidental blind date, Mike (or should I say Crap Bag?) scrapped out by Joey. For some reason, I watched Reno 911: Miami when it came out in theaters. Why? Because I was being paid to screen it. I'd never seen the show, but I still enjoyed that damn movie because of cameos by Paul and The Rock, which were just plain made of win. I think Paul is another one of those actors that plays well off other comedic actors, and this proves especially true when you realize that he is one of the only actors that bounces back and forth between Judd Apatow's 'older crew' (Anchorman, 40-Year-Old Virgin) and Apatow's 'young crew' (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up).

5. Alan Tudyk

TOP ROLES - "Firefly", Serenity, Dodgeball, A Knight's Tale, "Dollhouse", 28 Days, I, Robot, "Frasier", "Strangers with Candy", Rx, Knocked Up

OF COURSE I put Wash on the list! But I swear it's not just because of Wash that he's here. Alan is here because he is a veritable chameleon of film and TV. He's been the Hawaiian-shirt-wearing pilot of a spaceship who plays with dinosaurs, a delusional pirate, a German gay guy in rehab, a dangerous drug dealer, a sentient robot, a cult leader who rides around on a Segway, Sir Lancelot (in the musical), a jerk-ish TV producer, a knight's short-tempered squire, a wunderkind website designer, and --most recently-- an escaped psycho killer with 40+ personalities jostling for dominance in one brain, one of which had him posing as an agoraphobic conspiracy theorist. Awesome. I love him in comedic roles, while being fully confident in his ability to be moving. I have yet to see everything he's in, but I'm almost there. If anyone could ever get me to tune in to any TV show, it would be Alan Tudyk, even over the ones above him on this list. Yes, I adore him that much.

4. Apatow's 'Young Crew'

ACTORS INCLUDED: Jay Baruchel, Michael Cera, James Franco, Bill Hader, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Craig Robinson, Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, Martin Starr

TOP ROLES - "Freaks and Geeks", "Undeclared", Knocked Up, Superbad, Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

OK, I cheated. I know. But I couldn't help it. I wanted to pay proper homage to all these guys, but quite frankly, some of them are interchangeable... Individual attention where it's due, Seth Rogen and Michael Cera almost weren't included on this list because they're practically Leading Men status already, even if they're typecast. I think they deserve credit though, because they're ALL funny people (if you don't believe me, half of them are appearing in Judd's next movie, Funny People). They just need time to break out into other roles and establish themselves. Some of them won't, but that's the hazard of the game. They don't just stay in Judd Apatow-produced stuff either. They're all over! Four of these guys showed up in Night at the Museum 2! Two were in Tropic Thunder. You can't throw a stone without hitting one of them! Half of them can be traced back to one of Judd's two BRILLIANT but cancelled TV shows, "Freaks and Geeks" (where James Franco, Seth Rogen and Jason Segel and Martin Starr got their start, along with John Francis Daley from earlier) or "Undeclared" (Jay Baruchel, Seth Rogen). Jason Segel's currently on "How I Met Your Mother", Bill Hader's on "SNL" and Craig Robinson's on "The Office". Despite all this, I'm going to pick one to look out for: Jay Baruchel. I just think this guy's heading for big things. He was my favorite character in Tropic Thunder, the lone voice of reason in a sea of insanity, and he's starring in a live-action modern take on The Sorcerer's Apprentice next year. He's gonna blow up, I bet you anything.

3. Christopher Walken

TOP ROLES - Cowbell skit on "SNL", Hairspray, Biloxi Blues, The Rundown, Click, Catch Me If You Can, Sleepy Hollow, Blast From the Past, Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" video

Seriously, does anything need to be said? He's like the GOD of hilarious cameos.

2. Hank Azaria

TOP ROLES - "The Simpsons", Mystery Alaska, Mystery Men, Night at the Museum 2, Eulogy, Dodgeball, Godzilla, "Friends", The Birdcage, Anastasia,

Hank Azaria is one of my favorite people, and the funny thing is most people barely notice him! This is through a combination of voice acting (he was Bartok in Anastasia and a LOT of my favorite characters on "The Simpsons", including Apu, Moe, Chief Wiggum, Professor Frink, Comic Book Guy, Carl, Cletus, Superintendent Chalmers, Milhouse's dad, Snake, Disco Stu, Lou, the Sea Captain, Dr. Nick, and Duffman, to name only the regulars) and tiny cameos (Here's a fun fact: he played a young version of Rip Torn in Dodgeball, while he played Rip Torn's son in Eulogy that same year). Mystery Men and Mystery Alaska came out the same year... VERY different movies. He was the only reason to go see Night at the Museum 2. He was my second favorite of Phoebe's boyfriends on "Friends" and would have been first if not for Paul Rudd. All this and I've still only seen a FRACTION of what Hank's done. God bless him, he's a funny guy.

1. Patrick Warburton

TOP ROLES - The Emperor's New Groove 1, 2 and the show, "Family Guy", Hoodwinked, "The Venture Brothers", "The Tick", "Less Than Perfect", "8 Simple Rules", Big Trouble, Men in Black 2, Get Smart, Chicken Little, Home on the Range, The Wild, Open Season

Number one on my list just HAD to be the most recognizable voice I've ever encountered: Patrick Warburton. I recognize his voice the INSTANT he starts speaking in cartoons, even when he's only a cameo, and he frequently is. His movie roles, if they exist at all, are shit, but he'll always have a place in voice acting. He was the best possible choice for a live action version of "The Tick" and it's a shame that fell through, but he's definitely keeping busy, as hyped-up wheelchair-bound Joe on "Family Guy", as beefed-up bodyguard Brock Samson on "The Venture Brothers" and as the ever-loved Kronk on "The Emperor's New School." Yes, he's doing all these things currently AND making movies. Of course, he'll always be Kronk to me.

Heh, sorry guys, for taking up so much space! Please leave me some recommendations if you've got them!

You Said It, Polar Bear!

2009-06-10T21:59:18Z

(He's getting ready for Friday, like the rest of us)

Just For Fun...

2009-06-06T07:43:16Z

Top Ten 90's Albums I Still Adore Today

I have to add this disclaimer before I start my list. I took some liberties putting this together, seeing as I was still only 14 when the 90's ended and had not yet formed musical taste I am still proud of today. I have plenty of albums from the 90's that I bought well after the 90's, when I really got into certain bands. I tried to include mostly artists I actually knew of and liked when their albums came out, and less of my favorite artists, like Gomez, Guster, and the Dandy Warhols, whose 90's albums I didn't pick up until the early 2000's. This is pretty much why half of these albums came out in 1999! 90's purists would probably murder me but I claim ignorance as a result of age. I couldn't very well have distinctive music taste when I was four, so something that came out in 1990 or 91 will be less likely to have influenced me...

10. "Super Natural" by Everything (1998)

I'm not sure exactly when I first happened upon Everything but it seems like such a long time ago that I heard and instantly fell in love with the song "Hooch." I thought nothing of the generically-named band that coined the tune until I saw the CD on sale for $1 in a used book sale at the library one summer and thought 'hm, if I like one song by them, maybe I'll like others!' I was stuck on this album for awhile, quickly determining that "Hooch" was not in fact as good as these guys get. I have bought several other albums by this band and they are always curious to me, a strange mix of funk, alternative rock and jazz with lots of brass and sax. Their songs are catchy, and while I am more attached to the first half of this CD, the whole thing makes for a good listen whenever I'm in the mood for something fun and breezy.

Favorite Song?
"Spent", a song about empowering yourself and moving on after [I think?] getting dumped. I really love the guitar in the first 30 seconds though. It starts out deceptively slow and gets really energized.

9. The Cruel Intentions Soundtrack (1999)

OK, with it's mopey, slutty teenage characters played by actors well into their 20's, and it's nearly unlikeable array of mean, rich kids, and it's gratuitous lesbian kissing scenes, I can admit that it was not a great movie. Not terrible, but not great. The soundtrack however? Amazing. Led by Placebo's entrancing "Every You and Every Me" it only gets better from there. Fatboy Slim's always fun "Praise You" and Blur's smooth and cool "Coffee and TV" follow up. Bare Jr.'s "Blew Me Off" is a wonderful substitute for the finger, and my sister and I will always affectionately know Marcy Playground's "Comin' Up From Behind" as the 'Pacey's Gay Sex Scene Song.' The romantic songs are romantic, the fun songs are tons of fun, and the album ends as gracefully and beautifully as the movie admittedly does with what I consider to be one of the best songs of all contemporary music, The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony." The song is beautiful on its own but to this day when I hear it a small part of me will always picture the end of this movie, with Sarah Michelle Gellar getting outed and de-throned in front of the entire school while Reese Witherspoon drives off in Ryan Phillipe's Jaguar remembering him while his diary rides shotgun, the only thing she has left to remember him by. It's a damn memorable scene in an otherwise stupid movie and this album is proof that even if a movie fails in other aspects, it can still be salvaged by an amazing soundtrack.

Favorite Song?
Duh. See above.

8. "14:59" by Sugar Ray (1999)

A really dumb and misleading faux 'metal' leading song aside, the rest of this album is totally contrary to it's start but totally in tune with what we all know and love about Sugar Ray. Some of their best hits are on this album, the summer-y, playful, "Every Morning", "Falls Apart" and "Someday" and for some fans, those may actually be the only hits they know of. I'm not really sure what the widespread knowledge of Sugar Ray is because this isn't even my favorite CD, but it does have my favorite song, the energized and fast-paced ode to frustration and bad days, "Personal Space Invader." It's so unlike their other songs, a little angry actually, and I'm sure it's appeal is limited but I love it and that's why it's on this list. There's a nice almost-acapella acoustic song, "Ode to the Lonely Hearted" that brings in more of the band's talents, and you can almost taste the 80's in "Abracadabra." You can definitely tell Mark McGrath was listening to a lot of his old influences when writing this album.

Favorite Song?
"Personal Space Invader" with its chorus "All my friends can't relate/No time off to hesitate/Feel my head, touch my face/Two steps back, you're in my space!" Just makes me want to get up and jump around!

7. The Romeo + Juliet Soundtrack (1996)

What's funny is this album was bought for me by accident. I liked the movie (and still own it ... on VHS!) but I didn't ask for the soundtrack... my sister did. And not only did my mom get it for me on accident, but she also got the wrong volume. The mistake was later fixed when my sister bought the orchestral Volume 2, but this mistake turned out to be one of the best and most fitting ones my mom ever made, because Voume 1 was perfect for me. My sister could have the instrumental one, I got the one with the alt-rock songs sampled throughout the film. The Butthole Surfers' "Whatever (I Had a Dream Last Night)" with it's intro by John Leguizamo's Tybalt is too cool, The Cardigans' "Lovefool" will perpetually remind me of Harold Perrinau in drag but that's OK, and Mundy's "To You I Bestow" and The Wannadies' "You and Me Song" are addictive and sweet respectively. I don't even remember where all these songs were used in the film, but it's not the connection that makes me love them. They're just really great songs all compiled in one list. Good job Baz Luhrman!

Favorite Song?
Everclear's brazen and rockin' "Local God", which may have been written specifically for this album for its direct reference to Romeo. I'm not sure, but I love it. I also have a distinct memory of giggling over it's one f-bomb with Stephanie when we were little and immature. It's possible this turned me on to other Everclear songs though, so it gets props.

6. "Tragic Kingdom" by No Doubt (1995)

I don't care what Gwen Stefani's doing these days, but "Tragic Kingdom" will always be their best work, not to mention one of my quintessential '90's' albums. I've become really disillusioned with the band post-Return of Saturn... and after that one night when we found Kelsey's old album from No Doubt's early ska days, I'm pretty disillusioned with what came before it too! In my mind they had two good albums. "Tragic Kingdom" is still pretty ska-influenced, but it's way more put together. They really came into their own with this album. I remember there being allegations that the band was about to fall apart in the 90's because no one cared about the 3 other guys in the band, just Gwen, and they went to great strides to prove that that wasn't true and they were in fact an ensemble band... then a few short years later Gwen would go solo and totally blow up and leave her band in the dust. Whatever. Girl power, I guess. Gwen should realize though that she would not be where she is now without her band, especially the poor bassist, Tony Kanal, who dated Gwen until the relationship ended badly enough for her to write two albums worth of mopey breakup songs ragging on him... but not badly enough for the band to break up, curiously. Sure the album may be riddled with Gwen's self-pitying, 'I'm so Goddam lonely, why can't I find someone to love me' lyrics but damn did we ever love them on our radios back in the mid 90's! I bought this album when I was up north with Keelah when I was maybe 11 or 12 and I remember dancing like a fool to "Just A Girl" [in between Aqua's "Barbie Girl" and Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" and shortly after we laughed our asses off dancing around to Hank Williams' "Hey Good Lookin'"] and I think I am eternally in Keelah's debt for getting me more into them, even if they didn't forever live up to the high expectations I had when I was 12.

Favorite Song?
Well obviously the iconic "Just A Girl" (what girl doesn't love that song just a lil?) but "Sunday Morning" is also very good.

5. "Enema of the State" by Blink-182 (1999)

Though I doubt I will ever see them live, I'm happy Blink-182 reunited recently for a tour because the state of the guys' friendship was looking pretty dismal for awhile there (nothing like a near-fatal plane crash to bring a trio back together!) First there was the side project 'Boxcar Racer' that conspicuously excluded only 1/3 of Blink, then they officially broke up and formed new bands, then came rumors that they broke up because Tom wanted the band to go in a more 'mature direction' and Blink wasn't working for him anymore [yeah, because the tween-loved, punk/emo Angels & Airwaves is so much more mature...]. I don't really know what was going on, and likely never will since they apparently made up now, but I feel I have to bring this up because it relates to my two schools of thoughts on this album. The first is that they were already fairly capable of producing mature songs, they just didn't work hard enough to hone it. I mean who can honestly listen to "Adam's Song", a song about a young guy committing suicide over a life of apathy and regret, or "Wendy Clear" a breakup song about watching the person with whom it didn't work out move on with someone else, and still say that these guys aren't capable of writing mature lyrics? Even the more silly songs have little bits of everyday wisdom in them. There's a reason these guys were so popular among young people, and I think if older people gave them a chance, they'd realize they're more mature than they're letting on making videos where they mock boy bands or run around town stark naked. Which brings me to my other school of thought: Who says being immature is so bad anyway? I loved the silliness that was Blink in the 90's. I'm just about reaching the age they were when they made this album and it's making sense in a whole new way I never could have comprehended when I was 13, and this is why this album still gets play today. I almost despise Tom for ragging on the 'immature' aspect of the band, because he just needs to loosen up and have fun before he's too old. Oh, one last thing I love about this album is that the lead singer status is shared exactly by Tom and Mark, alternating between them, 6 songs for each. I think that's really cool and also really unusual for a band to split the duties so evenly like that. You don't see that often.

Favorite Song?
"The Party Song", not because I can even remotely relate to a song about meeting a really fake girl at a lame party whose idiocy and falseness turn me off, but just because it's super-fun and fast-paced and just all around catchy!

4. "Dookie" by Green Day (1994)

Oh, Green Day. We have such a tumultuous relationship. I know for a fact I didn't own this album until 2000 but it gets on the list because I knew Green Day prior to buying my first album by them (2000's "Warning"), I just wasn't supposed to know them. My first knowledge of the band came when Crystal tried to buy "Nimrod" because it came with 'cool' cred, but my mom said no because of a few swear words (ironic that something like that would happen in MY house, where swearing comes as naturally as breathing, but I guess mom was still on the denial train in the mid 90's). My first impression of Green Day, therefore, was that they were a big 'no-no' so when my 14-year-old self discovered "Warning" and vowed to own every one of the band's albums within a year, I had to be secretive about it. The best thing about collecting their entire musical history in a year is that I honest-to-God, to this day cannot even pick a favorite album, much less a favorite song, but Dookie certainly ranks up there for being Green Day's breakout album. The songs are just so good, not even any of the epic, rock opera stuff they write today can compare to the simplicity, earnestness and emotional appeal of Dookie's songs. "Welcome to Paradise" is alternately depressing and empowering and definitely speaks to someone in my position--that is, confused, angry, alone and a little terrified but desperately wanting to make it on your own. "Basket Case" always intrigues me, because I heard that Billie Joe Armstrong wrote this album under the impression that he had severe neuroses and mental problems and was totally alone in dealing with them. I always consider "Dookie" therapy, and I find it infinitely amusing and amazing that these songs written by someone who thought he was alone had such widespread appeal and understanding audience that it rocketed the band to instant stardom. It's a testament to the power of song that it had that effect. And it's a testament to Green Day that this album came out 15 years ago and they're bigger than ever today. I don't think my mom ever realized that I didn't like this band because they swore and I was being rebellious by listening to them. I love them because they understand human emotion and have written dozens of anthems for young people to get by on.

Favorite song?
I think the best one on this album and probably one of my overall favorites is "Long View" which I only found out later was apparently about masturbation. Go figure. I just liked it because it was about boredom and apathy.

3. "Americana" by The Offspring (1998)

There's no question that this album still gets a lot of play with me. I actually had a little bit of an Offpsring Renaissance last summer when I reached even further back to the years when I was much too young to be listening to them, but prior to then my earliest knowledge of The Offspring was this album, arguably their best. It's just awesome, introspective and energetic, at times intense. It can be either funny or soulful and sometimes both. That's The Offspring for you; they're... complicated. I think everyone is familiar with their silly side, because I haven't met a person who can't sing at least half the words to "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" or "Why Don't You Get A Job?", another great 'Give 'em the Finger' song, which the 90's seemed to be so full of. The 90's really were all about damning The Man, weren't they? On the other end of the spectrum you have "The Kids Aren't Alright" which is a depressing musical collage of shattered lives and lost souls that makes you stop and think, 'Wait a minute, these are the same guys who sang "So if you don't break just overcompensate, at least you know you can always get on Ricki Lake!" just one track previous?' Yes, indeed they are. Amen, Offspring. You rock so hard.

Favorite Song?
God, I don't know. "The Kids Are Alright" is so well-written. "Staring at the Sun" is a great way to start the album. "She's Got Issues" is both funny and abrasive. "Why Don't You Get A Job" just plain rocks... who could pick?

2. "Blue" by Third Eye Blind (1999)

I remember buying this album back before MTV2 came about in the days of... THE BOX. Anyone remember that? I'm sure you do. Good old Box, waiting an hour to read their entire playlist of possible songs just so you could call in and pay $2 to MAYBE see your video in an hour or so. Ironically, they still played more music than either MTV does these days...
I think everyone knows Third Eye Blind's first 3 singles, "How's It Gonna Be", "Semi-Charmed Life" and of course "Jumper". I certainly knew of them and I found only lukewarm interest, so I certainly wasn't expecting to like this album as much when I found it at a garage sale for a buck but I tried it out and was pleasantly surprised. This album is a bit more hard-edged than the earnest, soft, alt-rock sound I had associated with them. Don't get me wrong, it's still soft, alt-rock for the most part, but they can rock out too. I almost find this sort of continuous flow with the first half of the album, as if mirroring a relationship's tumultuous beginnings. The first track "Anything" boldly declares the singer would do just that for a girl, kind of a 'love at first sight' song. "Wounded" is a declaration of unconditional love for a girl with a wounded past, with the singer rescuing her from her abusers. If it's to be believed that this entire album is a testament to a real-life relationship, it's a little daunting that the next song is called "10 Days Late" and is about exactly what you think it is about. We follow up with "I'll Never Let You Go" a song about the rocky state of a relationship, then the loving [and overtly sexual] "Deep Inside of You" which I guess could be considered a reunion song? Follow that with "1000 Julys" which is also about sex. Good sex too, apparently. It goes hand in hand with "An Ode to Maybe" which is about a guy who doesn't have a problem getting girls, but certainly has a problem committing. "The Red Summer Sun" is about being in the summertime of your life but knowing it won't last because all good things come to an end, setting up the end of the album, which represents a distinct downturn in this individual. "Camoflauge" is about hiding who you really are behind masks and "Farther" is about thinking back to that girl and regretting that it didn't work out because he kept pushing her away and now it's too late to get her back. The dark and confused theme continues in "Darkness" which pretty much speaks for itself, but finishes on "Darwin" a song with hints of disillusionment, Christianity, and salvation, implying that the singer has found some sort of faith at this stage in his life. I've never given this album as much thought as I have just now, but I think it goes a long way to explain why this introspective and soulful album has kept me intrigued for 10 years running.

Favorite Song?
It's a great listen from start to finish but "Wounded" is probably still my favorite. It's just a beautiful, rich and empowering song about overcoming your demons by having someone who loves you at your side. We don't know exactly what happened to the girl in question. Either she was in an abusive relationship or she was raped, but it is implied that stage of her life is over and even though she's still hurting deeply, she has loved ones nearby--friends and family--who care just as deeply and want to see her pull through. There are wonderfully-crafted lines like "Well I never claimed to understand what happens after dark/But my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of touching you/When you're wounded" and my favorite, delivered at the emotionally-charged height of the song: "Back down the bully to the back of the bus, 'cause it's time for them to be scared of us." It just makes you feel good, like you're strong enough to stand up to the world and not let anyone get you down.

1. "So Much for the Afterglow" by Everclear

If we've ever talked at length about music, you'd probably know this album is one of my favorites of all time, largely because I consider it the first "GOOD" album I ever got, on my own, without anyone showing them to me, and which I still listen to today. At least twice a year this album spends about a week straight in my CD player. It's hard to describe its appeal to me in a way that won't make me sound fucked up because this album is the anthem for superbly fucked up individuals, among which I am grateful enough not to include myself. I guess I could preface this by saying that I love these songs primarily for a story-telling standpoint, secondarily for a musical standpoint. The lyrics are intense, compellingly deep, sad and pitying, yet helpful and uplifting. Almost every song is about the decaying human condition. The opener and titular song, "So Much for the Afterglow" is about realizing a relationship has fallen apart, gathering your losses, and accepting the things you can't change that you thought would be different. "Everything to Everyone" is a song for anyone who's ever tried to hard to please others at the expense of themselves. "Normal Like You" is an amazing song that is quite literally about a neurotic girl on prozac and the guy who used to know her who found a different solution to his problems than over-medicating. "I Will Buy You A New Life" is about a guy wanting to lift the girl he loves from the depressing life she's lived because he to knows what it's like to be poor and he doesn't want to live that way anymore. It shouldn't be mistaken for a money-obsessed song with shallow intentions because it's not that at all. "I hate those people who love to tell you/Money is the root of all the kills/They have never been poor/They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas/Yeah, I know we will never look back." The way Art Alexakis sings these lyrics you don't once blame him. He's done his time as the destitute; he's not accepting it anymore. He's going to lift himself from the life he's always despised at his own expense. "Father of Mine" is the song that turned me on to the album, which is yet another tribute to a kid with father issues, and probably explains why I tuned in so readily. The first half of the album is really the strongest but I love it all. It's definitely the kind of album you can listen to from start to finish without once getting bored. The range of 'fucked-up-ness' just gets wider but you get the picture. Through it all, Art is positive and supportive and I just can't help but picture his smiling face when I listen to his songs. Even at the worst, listening to one of these songs is as good as having him right there next to you telling you "Everything will be alright." That's life, I guess. You see the worst of it, and all you can do is shrug it off and move on.

Favorite Song?
Too many to choose from, probably "So Much for the Afterglow" for it's awesome intro, "Normal Like You" for it's even more awesome intro, or "Sunflowers" for its sweet depiction of a young love that has developed into something deeper. I'm more prone to picking out lines I like, such as "I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down" or "When you were a child, you were happy and free, you were my reason to live, I would die when you smiled at me. I can still see, I remember you painting sunflowers in your room."

Honorable Mentions

"Europop" by Eiffel 65 (1999) - You know you loved "Blue", admit it! Apart from that one and their other single, "Move Your Body" I only liked two songs from this album: "Live in a Bubble" and "Too Much of Heaven" but gosh wasn't this two-hit wonder the shit back in the late 90's?

"Aquarium" by Aqua (1997) - Even more embarrassed to admit I still listen to songs from this one from time to time. It doesn't exactly get a lot of play--in fact, I'm not even sure where my copy of their CD is right now--but I remember them fondly. "Barbie Girl" was such an obnoxious yet kickass song. The same is true of some other tracks, notably, "Roses Are Red", "Lollipop", and "My Oh My." If you can get past the lead singer's often grating voice, that is...

Well, it's been fun!

OMG, It's Fucking FOOTLOOSE!

2009-05-09T06:02:53Z

Ohio Christian school tells student to skip prom

FINDLAY, Ohio – A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, his principal said.

Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend Findlay High School's prom Saturday.

Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year, principal Tim England said.

The teen, who is scheduled to receive his diploma May 24, would be suspended from classes and receive an "incomplete" on remaining assignments, England said. Frost also would not be permitted to attend graduation but would get a diploma once he completes final exams. If Frost is involved with alcohol or sex at the prom, he will be expelled, England said.

Frost's stepfather Stephan Johnson said the school's rules should not apply outside the classroom.

"He deserves to wear that cap and gown," Johnson said.

Frost said he thought he had handled the situation properly. Findlay requires students from other schools attending the prom to get a signature from their principal, which Frost did.

"I expected a short lecture about making the right decisions and not doing something stupid," Frost said. "I thought I would get his signature and that would be the end."

England acknowledged signing the form but warned Frost there would be consequences if he attended the dance. England then took the issue to a school committee made up of church members, who decided to threaten Frost with suspension.

"In life, we constantly make decisions whether we are going to please self or please God. (Frost) chose one path, and the school committee chose the other," England said.

The handbook for the 84-student Christian school says rock music "is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."

England said Frost's family should not be surprised by the school's position.

"For the parents to claim any injustice regarding this issue is at best forgetful and at worst disingenuous," he said. "It is our hope that the student and his parents will abide by the policies they have already agreed to."

The principal at Findlay High School, whose graduates include Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, said he respects, but does not agree with, Heritage Christian School's view of prom.

"I don't see (dancing and rock music) as immoral acts," Craig Kupferberg said.

I didn't think schools were still doing shit like this nowadays. OK, scratch that, I figured someone somewhere was still this stuck up, but that this is still an issue making headlines is pretty redonkulous. I'm totally against the Baptist school's position, but for the record I really like how the article ever so tacitly throws in their bias by mentioning the Steelers quarterback who graduated from the 'good' school, as if that has any relevance to the topic. Unless Christianity forbids football as well.

R.I.P. Dom DeLuise

2009-05-05T16:35:22Z

I was so sad to find out he passed away today! I will always remember him fondly. A favorite of Don Bluth, this man lent his unique voice to a LOT of the movies that shaped my childhood.

(Itchy from All Dogs Go To Heaven)

(Tiger from the Fievel movies)

(Fagin from Oliver and Company)

(Jeremy the crow from The Secret of NIMH)

(Don Giovanni from Robin Hood: Men in Tights)

And OF COURSE good old Urgo from that one incredibly memorable episode of Stargate...

("Try... the paddles!")

("Come on, you like me a little bit! Admit it!")

("As handsome as he is evil!")

God I'm so sad to learn about this. Poor Dom. You were so damn awesome.

And People Wonder Why I Loathe Them...

2009-04-24T07:51:35Z

There's a g**damn bird tweeting away outside my window and it's 3:48 in the fucking A.M. Living things should only be up this late if they're doing something useful... guess that means I should hit the hay.

Gomez "A New Tide" Review

2009-04-09T07:12:41Z

It's been a little over a week now since Gomez's latest (and sixth) studio album was released and as someone who ranks them among her top 2 bands, I feel obligated to compose some thoughts on the album as a whole. Although before I do, I have to say it sounds weird saying it's only their sixth album, as they also have a) an LP which for some reason is not included among their main albums, even though it's full-length with previously-unrecorded songs, b) a 2-disc special with more unrecorded songs than repeats, and c) a 2-disc live album with a couple unrecorded tunes there as well (gee, bet you couldn't tell I was a fan!).

Anyhoo, my thoughts on "A New Tide" are mixed, so it's appropriate that the first song is titled "Mix." I think that song actually sets a good tone for this review, because I choose to define it several ways. On the surface, it's already a double-meaning tune, as they are both mixing a record and mixing participants in a personal relationship. I'm wont to take it a step further and say it's also a metaphor for Gomez's change in overall sound over the years as they entered a more mainstream scene. And yes, as the music snob I am, I obligatorily must say that mainstream often [not always, just often] contributes to a downgrade, because the band I used to like for unique reasons now cranks out these lovely little tunes that are pleasing to the ear and not the experimental, heartfelt, addictive ballads they used to be.

This is the case with Gomez, but don't take my slight disdain for the new sound as a total rejection. This album is not bad--Gomez could NEVER be bad, to my ears anyhow. But there's something different about them, no doubt, it's just a little hard to explain. They used to have this sound that grabbed your attention. Ben Ottewell's voice, I should say, grabbed your attention. The voice was abrasive in a really good way, and it was utilized in almost every song. Ian Ball and Ben spearheaded most of the songs, with Tom throwing his voice in every so often, and the dynamic worked well for me. The number of questionably-drug-related songs only reinforces my opinion that they were a truly mellow band, so I want you to catch my full meaning when I say their last two albums have transitioned them into an even mellower band than before...

You're probably thinking 'But Kara, if they were a mellow, ambiguously-worded, indie rock band before and they're a mellower ambiguously-worded indie rock band today, aren't you just nitpicking?' and YES, I probably am, but believe me, if you listened to "Get Miles" and "Love is Better Than A Warm Trombone" and "Shot Shot" and followed up with "How We Operate" and "Airstream Driver" and "Little Pieces" I'll bet
even the unseasoned Gomez listener could tell there was a difference between 1999-2003 Gomez and 2006-present Gomez. And the first track on "A New Tide" really, as I said before, exemplifies this change, making me wonder if the title "Mix" is really a sign of them mixing their old sound with the new.

"Mix" didn't catch my attention at first but the past few days I've been stuck on it, as the shift in tone 85 seconds in sounds more like something off their early album, while the lyrics and Ian and Ben's restrained vocals are more in tune with the new sound. Hell, the whole album could signify their permanent change into the mellow, restrained band they've become. But I can only hope that Gomez, like the ever-changing tides, don't stick with this sound forever and go back to experimenting. It just feels too much like they're catering to the Grey's Anatomy crowd--producing these soft, unabrasive montage-friendly songs that just all blend together to create an unfortunately boring album. Apart from "Mix", only 3 songs stand out to me:

Track 3 "If I Ask You Nicely" -- probably the most old school Gomez manages to get on "A New Tide", a fun little ditty which I *think* is sung by Tom if I'm hearing it correctly. It could be Ian though.

Track 5 "Win Park Slope" -- a heavy tune with a neat little intro that melds seamlessly into the following track, so well that I thought it was all one song the first time I listened to it.

Track 7 "Airstream Driver" -- I have no idea what this song is about, but it's fun and catchy. I think it only stands out to me so much because it was the first single though.

But like I said, the album on a whole? Kinda boring. I just keep skipping to the songs I like without really giving much thought to the ones in between. Given more time, it's possible I will grow to appreciate the rest of the album, but to be entirely honest, their last album "How We Operate" never really grew on me that much either, apart from a few choice tracks, much like this one. I sort of see myself choosing the ones I like, and keeping the rest in reserve for a rainy day. Because honestly, if I'm feeling nostalgic for Gomez, I've got hours of older stuff to choose from, and I like Gomez circa 1999-2004 a helluva lot more.

P.S. I've already asked a few peeps, like those who like Gomez but have never been and those who have been but never heard of Gomez, and I'm trying to figure out whether or not their album cover is supposed to represent the Giant's Causeway. Here's a picture:

Thoughts, anyone?

Just Another Springtime April In Michigan

2009-04-06T06:41:51Z

DO. NOT. WANT.

Frustration, I Know Thee Well

2009-03-31T23:42:25Z

Tough week to be just getting by in my household. I'm currently carrying on a feud with 2 of my family members, neither of whom are the one I usually feud with! I'm not trying to throw myself on the bomb blast or anything here, but believe me when I say I did not deserve the attitude I got from either family member, and the unprovoked attacks are causing me to act less maturely than I would otherwise hope, but I can't help it. It is so goddamn difficult living in a house with three other adults who act like five-year-olds throwing tantrums. And what can I do about it but just deal with it? I don't have a choice.

Knowing me and knowing how my family works, I'll probably just act like a bitch for the next week until things just wear off and go back to normal without ever receiving a long overdue apology. Adam says the blowouts in my family are so much larger and more explosive than any other family he's seen, and yet we get over it so much faster. I really don't want to let this one go, but what do you do when someone just doesn't care about being polite, compassionate or kind back to you? How do you deal with people like that? [seriously, this isn't just hypothetical. If anyone has insight, I would appreciate it]

I know my solution is not a good one. I told Adam I'm essentially going to stop being nice, which is laughable when you consider how many people think I'm a raging bitch anyhow. If that was me being nice, then they won't like me when I draw the line and step over it. But I'm just fed up with it all. If my family doesn't have to be sensitive to my feelings (and I don't for one minute believe that they aren't fully aware they are pushing my buttons) then why should I have any regard for theirs?

I Should Really Be Asleep By Now...

2009-03-15T08:23:41Z

I just ordered 250 pictures from Ireland and they should be ready in about 9 hours, but of course I'll have to get my mom to pick them up since they won't let me in Costco without her. I cannot WAIT to start scrapbooking! I hope to get a decent number of pages done before the Ireland reunion in, well, less than 2 weeks. I know it's not much time, but considering how little I've been doing lately I don't think it's too much to ask.

Speaking of, I FINALLY got a call back from DSW yesterday, more than a month after interviewing and they want to bring me in for orientation, but not for another two weeks. I really appreciate the job offer, but I can't help but wondering why they couldn't tell me straight up that they weren't going to bring me on until April. I'm debating whether or not to pursue the second job at AMC immediately or give it some time. I don't know if I have the leverage to pit against DSW. I'm mad about the wait, but I did tell them their job would be my priority and after all this hassle I don't want to ruin it by insisting that they let me work out 2 jobs right off the cuff. Still, free movies and discounted shoes... sounds like a decent deal, assuming I would get any free time.

Regardless, I'm excited about the prospect of having MONEY soon!

But I'm MORE excited about tonight--William Elliott Whitmore at the Magic Stick! Awesome show at my favorite place in Detroit with the gal who got me into him (Happy early birthday Nikki!)

On a much lesser extent I'm also excited for more Breaking Bad, which will have to wait until after the concert, natch.

Crystal buggered off with Dan on a spontaneous road trip to.. somewhere. I can't remember, probably up north. He called her up last night after we got home from seeing Lee's band at Fat Catz in Warren. And she just packed a bag and decided to skip town until Monday. It's so strange, that I never thought of Crystal as doing spontaneous things until she met the Musics.

I seem much more cheerful right now than I have been, than I still feel to an extent. Perhaps this post is misleading, but then I don't really like bemoaning my my woes via LJ. I find it much less tedious sharing (with my 2.5 readers) things that make me happy, like music videos and TV rants and dancing cockatoos and stupid shite like that. I think I just sound more pleasant right now because I just spent 2 hours rooting through Ireland pictures while listening to Gomez and Jamiroquai. I bet if you talked to me tomorrow and asked how things were, I'd probably shrug like I have been doing and go 'Well, not great...' with a weary melodramatic sigh, because honestly, what HAVE I been doing?

O_O

2009-03-09T05:19:52Z

Holy mother of God, Breaking Bad is the craziest, most riveting show on television right now.

Awww!

2009-03-07T08:07:56Z

My fangirl heart is sighing with joy! Only one more week!

Who Would Have Thought...

2009-03-03T07:02:00Z

... that a bird video could actually make me so happy?

Guess there's hope for everything!

So Good To See Your Pretty Face Carter :)

2009-02-20T04:07:56Z

So help me God if they brought back John Carter just to kill him in the final episodes, I will go to NBC headquarters, hunt someone down and kill them with my bare hands for ruining the last good thing about ER. I loved seeing him on the screen again but he depressed the shit out of me, first with the not being recognized, then brushing snow off the plaque dedicated to his dead baby, then [omgspoilers!] the hemodialysis!

That said, I am so excited that he and Benton are going to be in one more episode together! It's a dream come true!

P.S. For anyone who was watching, did you also LOL at Jerry's mushroom-induced come-ons at poor bewildered Carter's expense? tee-hee!
"Those jeans look good on you..."
"Call me.."

Pride And Prejudice And?

2009-02-17T07:53:50Z

Did anyone know there was a book called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies featuring much of the original Jane Austen text... but with new scenes of zombie-slaying action by Elizabeth Bennet and her apparently zombie-slaying sisters? I just heard of this today by way of hearing that there's going to be a movie about it. How anyone got the rights to do this is beyond me and I'm sure Austen is rolling over in her grave but having said that... I REALLY WANT TO READ THIS BOOK.

Speaking of reading books, I've been reading this pulpy science fiction novella I picked up at a used book store in Pittsburgh called Waystation by Clifford Simak. It's short, but I haven't really been reading it much outside of the gym. So yesterday I get to page 128 (of 180ish pages. I frequently look ahead to see how much of books I have left, but I never read the endings) and the next page, instead of 129, says 33. I look and sure enough the book goes pages 1-128, 33-64, 161-end. The chapters went from 23, then 8-12, then on to 30-something. Some publisher screwed up my book and left out abuot 30 pages in lieu of pages from earlier.

At first I thought 'aha! Maybe they are pulling a fast one on us readers. It IS a science fiction novel, and elements of time travel and re-doing don't seem too crazy. Maybe they're starting the story over and doing it differently this time... clever!' ........ but no. It's the exact same pages 33-64 that I already read, just repeated and totally out of place.

What do I do? I've already searched amazon and ebay and they don't have copies of the book. And I wasn't enjoying it enough to pay any more than a couple bucks for it. I already paid a buck for the defective book to begin with. But of course now that I can't know about those missing 30 pages, I want to know about them now more than ever. Should I just skip the 30 pages and read on to the end? Normally that wouldn't seem like much, but it's one sixth of the book, and this book started pretty slow to begin with. They didn't really have a plot until the 100 pages in!

And speaking of conundrums, I do believe it is girl scout cookie season. Does anyone know where I can find a girl scout? I really want some fuckin' thin mints.

For those of you aware of my Facebook account, thanks to Frank See I FINALLY got my old hard drive information back so I have been posting Ireland pictures there all day. When I finish with those, I've still got road trip pictures and many more from 2007-08. I am so, so grateful to Frank for helping me with all this. I think I breathed a 7-month-held sigh of relief when I got those pictures safely on my new laptop. I went through like 8 backgrounds from Ireland before resting on one. I could look at them all day, even if they do make me a little sad.

One thing's for damn sure: IT'S SCRAPBOOKING TIME!

Juvenile Humor Alert

2009-02-11T05:18:01Z

(giggle)